Personal thoughts: one way to escape

I want to talk today about a subject that we all need to start being really honest about: how extremely easy it is to become an enabler during cases of emotional abuse. I'm not talking about physical or sexual abuse this time around, as that will have its own entry at some point in the future. I'm talking about emotional abuse, and gaslighting in particular, because there is a very odd phenomenon I have seen happen over the years: how someone can watch another person be emotionally abused, gaslighted, and manipulated, and they can still side with the abuser and hold them up in the highest regard.

Ah, but that's the whole point of gaslighting and manipulation, you might very quickly interject. Yes, indeed, that's the whole point, as the people around the victim might also be manipulated into believing differently so that the victim remains isolated, but what I'm referring to goes well beyond that.

First, as the after-effects of emotional abuse really mean that the victim doubts their reality, and often end up having huge trust issues, it might actually be really difficult for the third person to genuinely remain in the victim's life, so it's not always the third person's fault. Let's call them the friend, as the kind of people I'm referring to normally end up being friends of both the victim and the abuser, sometimes becoming tighter with the abuser than the victim in the long run. As it happens, then, the friend ends up inadvertently becoming an enabler, and sometimes an apologist as well, as whatever they see as hurt or pain in the abuser is often used as the reason their friend might be "A bit difficult, eh?" or "Not really easy to get along with" or "Not everyone's cup of tea, you know?" but very rarely "An abuser."

In most of these instances the victim is called out for being difficult, remaining stuck in the past or being unwilling to forgive - with barely any acknowledgement at all of the actions of the abuser and more often than not a complete disregard towards the victim's need to vent or to emotionally discharge in any way. "Why can't you let go?", "Stop carrying this, you're hurting yourself?", "Are you sure you're not making too much of it?" - we've all heard those kinds of questions and more! Or even worse: "Why can't you let go? X obviously has!"... Of course X has let go! X did the damage in the first place, X has nothing to let go of...! But do it goes, and the victim often has to see their friend congratulating their abuser on being oh so strong, on having had the strength and perseverance to survive this, that and the other, or, even better, on having this huge, open and oh so forgiving heart.

Let's be super honest about this: it is painful to watch as our abuser gets revered for having stood their ground or for being able to forgive this petty person who obviously won't forgive them for that misunderstanding last year. It feels like lead in the stomach when your abuser talks about how much they have hurt in their lives and how they deserve all the love in the world in front of mutual friends and you see them lifting him/her up in a way they didn't do with you when you were at the mercy of said abuser. Don't get me wrong, there are times when the suffering is very real and they will deserve everyone's pity and support - deaths of loved ones, illness, loss of something significant, of course we're all bound to be suffering from all of these issues of real life, so let's be honest too and acknowledge that it's good to have friends who will want to help those in need, regardless of their past! And yes, it is a mark of strength if you're able to reach out to your abuser in their time of need, but there is *no* shame at all in not wanting to do so either! It's not about "being the better person" or being "in a higher spiritual place" or anything like that - the hurt you suffered at their hands might be enough for you to distance yourself from them in every single way and that should always be respected in every single way too.

I think we can safely say we all know someone who will do a big song and dance about being so open to forgiveness that they will write a 2-minute read Facebook status saying something like "If you have hurt me in the past, I forgive you. If I have hurt you in the past I forgive myself, as I am wise enough to know that the hurt might not leave your heart so I'll help you out by letting it leave mine". Sounds enlightened and mystical, doesn't it? A drink for the first person who can tell me what's wrong with it!

Ironically enough, this also displays how the abuser might be manipulating others to believe that the victim is actually the abuser! I see this every day, as I have lived through several examples, some which happened to me directly, some that happened to people I love and thus I was very able to detect who was lying and who was telling the truth... And when you're able to do that you're also able to tell how the manipulator worked on your mind as well and it's terrifying, but it's better to do so so we're able to break free!

Anyway, a few months ago I was very open about how something very triggering had happened as Stephen and I were on our way to rehearsal for a play we were in, and that was kind of also the reason I stopped writing for several months. PTSD from emotional abuse needs more understanding, and acknowledging that people might often be victims who have to stand back and watch as everyone treats their abusers as if they were the best thing since sliced bread is also important, regardless of whether the abuser has changed or not or deserves their own accolades for whatever they're doing - perhaps they're a really talented artist, writer or actor, or perhaps they've just developed a socio-economic plan that'll actually help the people in the town they live in, or perhaps they've just started a new business or course that will change their life forever, and even in such a way that they're able to truly change their ways!

So, all in all, yes, be kind to them, because everyone deserves to be treated well, but don't do the "Oh, but he/she seems like such a sweet person" if you learn what they have done in the past - and make sure you can distinguish between the abuser and the victim as well. This really needs to be said and talked about, as only then can we really escape from the cage of fear, shame and pain - and that goes both for victims as well as their friends who are just realising any of this. There might be more options, and I'd be happy to hear them too and help spread the word, but for the moment this is what I've experienced and this is what I know.

In short, be kind to everyone, because you never know their story and what they have had to endure. Be kind to everyone and celebrate their success, their strength, their survival. Be kind to everyone and don't be afraid to break away if you find something out that you're not comfortable with. Be kind to everyone and at the same time feel no shame in aknowledging that you might have inadvertently enabled emotional abuse, but please do whatever you might need to do to rectify the damage if that's the case. Be kind to everyone and help them rise up from the trauma or from their past mistakes if you feel you can. Be kind to everyone and acknowledge their pain and their past. Be kind to everyone and acknowledge that not everyone will want to - or has to, even - forgive. Be kind to everyone and perhaps the balance will be restored.

Healing and blessings to everyone,
Sandra Cole ~ Actress, Model, Writer, Esoteric Practitioner
Photo by Michael Foley - not necessarily intended to depict a cage, as I had so much fun in this photoshoot, but expressive nonetheless.

Mandala Queen

by Mark Pictkhall

by Suzie Mcfadzean

Layers.
Captivating.
Layers.
Showing ever so slightly parts of me that had been hidden.

Layers.

Growth, emotion, hope.
Layers.
Reality unfolded, cosmic ratios becoming one again.

by Stephen Cole

Layers,
Measurements and waves and pleasure,
Magic unfolded in the layers of my self.
Layers of pain and joy and wisdom,
Cosmic release and expansion beyond.

Layers,
My proportions glowing, undulating,
Happy to be flowing,
Happy to be on show.
Layers of Nature's shapes and psychic discoveries,
Layers of spiritual increase.

Art that creates the layers,
Layers that display the art,
Entering a state of glee as I frolic in the layers,
As I dance beneath the layers and the layers come undone,
As I revel in the layers and the real me is put on show,

Art and healing and light and shade,
Layers embracing me and layers displaying me,
Layers softening the path as I become.
And I become.
Mandala Queen.

Sandra Cole ~ Actress, Model, Writer, Witch

With many thanks to the utterly amazing and inspiring Erica Jane Wafford for using me as her canvas for her gorgeous creation, and to all the photographers who captured the magic!! Photos taken during Glastonbury Body Art Festival, in benefit of Children's World.

by Geoff Corris

by Suzie Mcfazdean

by Normal for Glastonbury (left) and Soleira Green (right)

by Fields of Light Photography

by Ian George from Cosmic Oak Media, featuring Stephen Cole as Anubis, painted by Sian Eirwen Drew

What You Will, indeed!

Last night we had a first, and what a first it was!
Twelfth Night, or What You Will, is at its core a story about confusion and duality and the effects of the visit from the Lord of Misrule, and, well, to put it simply, the Lord of Misrule paid a visit to us!
Over the couple of days leading up to our performance, three of our cast members had medical emergencies (all are in recovery, safe and sound), and thus we found ourselves three characters short of a play. Our fabulous cast, however, rose above it like nothing we had seen before! I love every single one of them and have full gratitude for what they helped accomplish, for we'd made a choice: we'd turn the play into a rehearsed reading and allow our actors to be as fully in character as they felt comfortable with under the new circumstances (taking neurodiversity and dislexia into consideration), and we both read for all three missing characters, book in hand, while everyone around us made the best use of the character they had become over the last four months. We stripped back the stage, forgoing the beautiful sea and sky curtain Stephen had put together in favour of a props table so that both of us could reach easily for the bits and pieces of the three characters that we hadn't rehearsed for and so that the whole setting worked as a rehearsed reading. Our cast members sat around us and enjoyed the ad-libbing that ensued, and they still managed to not break character when they came on stage with either of us, even though both Stephen and I had our books in hand to keep up with every scene change that our missing actors would have helped with (and so as to not have our brains melt with the effort that a neuro-diverse brain has to make in order to change last minute everything that has been rehearsed). And, let's also admit, it must not have been easy to keep their characters by my side, especially when I started bursting out in giggles after jumping from Antonio to Maria, to myself as Olivia and back again!
Then there were obviously the moments when Stephen or I would have ended up talking to ourselves because we shared a scene with the character that we were trippling with, so we had to ask two of our other actors to read in for the missing characters, and thus Sebastian ended up having three shapes and sizes, and no cap or yes cap depending on who remembered to put it on (or wether I remembered to put it on Sebastian's head or not!). As it happened, we did end up talking to ourselves a couple of times, and a personal favourite moment for me was Stephen fighting with himself as Sebastian and Toby Belch and me running up to him shouting in anger and then holding his hands and asking him to forgive my cousin and to be mine! Needless to say I couldn't stop giggling after that!
My scenes with Feste, with "Cesario" and with Malvolio were fabulous and nearly perfect, as every single one of them kept character and made the best of their time on stage, and I was able to keep my character to begin with until near the end when I was jumping back and forth so much that my brain had turned to mulch. The yellow stockings scene was as brilliant as we had planned, I'm proud to say, even though we had to change the setting completely to accommodate the rehearsed reading atmosphere, and I am looking forward to performing it with Tom Hector as the perfectly cast Malvolio that he was when we set a new date for the performance!
Our Feste, Ezra Aquinas Wardell, is a true star in the making. He stayed in character throughout and made me, Stephen and Janetta Morton, our "other" Maria, really comfortable in our scenes regardless of whether we were playing our own character or the newly assigned one. He is worth following, as he will go far! Janetta, wondrous veteran that she is, kept her calm and jumped into action whilst also providing a reassuring energy to everyone involved. Her three characters were brought to life as individually as she had set herself up to, and she stood her ground as Maria when needed.
Our fantastic Viola, Emmelaine Leighton-Maccardell, shone with every single line and even managed to keep me going when I said my lines in the wrong order, reacting accordingly and creating a genuinely poignant atmosphere between us. At one point I came on stage wearing Antonio's cap (which I had forgotten to give to Sebastian when it was time), and I took it off and threw it behind the screen, owning the joke, and she managed to keep a straight face and the emotion of the scene even though everyone else was in stitches. Her relationship with Orsino was also fantastic to behold, also making the emotion of Viola's love for Orsino feel absolutely real even though Stephen had just finished playing her twin brother. She deserves to shine, and we can't wait to see her play Viola in her full splendor!
Kesley Cage and Talitha Wade, as Sir Andrew Aguecheek and Fabian respectively, we're also utterly fantastic! Talitha, like Ezra and Emmelaine, did not break character once and gave Fabian the depth that we cast her for, and Kesley's impressive delivery of the foppish knight more than made up for the confusion that he was thrown into by the revolving characters around him, fate that was also suffered by Tim Parker as he had to bid Janetta's officer to arrest me and a of a sudden forgetting who was playing Antonio between me and Stephen. His delivery as Curio Valentine was impeccable until that moment of completely understandable confusion (and the ammount of times I had to remind the other actors and audience that I was playing Antonio or Maria was actually funny in itself anyway), and his patience in having to deal with the changes is truly worth a mention - neurodiversity can be a huge block for some people under said circumstances, but the way all our neuro-diverse actors dealt with these circumstances is commendable to say the least!
As for our actors who weren't there, they had been perfectly cast and for all of us it was a shame not to have been able to put on the production that we had rehearsed for for the last four months, but all of us are very excited for the moment when we're able to set it the way we plan it! Real friendships grew between the cast, and some of us have experienced a closeness that can only happen when improv takes over, so maybe the Lord of Misrule had it right all along?
I mean, at the end of the play I had to tell my newlywed husband Sebastian, as played by Tom that I was Antonio while my actual husband Stephen - who had been tripling as Sebastian until then, and who I had been seducing as Antonio until then while I rejected him as Olivia - asked our good friend Emmelaine to marry him whether he was Cesario or Viola (and whom I had been seducing as Olivia), and I gently reminded Tom that I was his wife Olivia again so that we could all kiss each other and live happily ever after... Then Tom jumped behind the screen, dropped his trousers and came out as Malvolio to confront me (as Olivia, not Antonio or Maria) about the yellow stockings incident!
As Fabian put it very wisely, If that had been played upon the stage I would've condemned it as an improvable fiction!

Sandra Cole ~ Actress, Model, Writer, Witch
His & Hers Theatre Company