Personal thoughts: one way to escape

I want to talk today about a subject that we all need to start being really honest about: how extremely easy it is to become an enabler during cases of emotional abuse. I'm not talking about physical or sexual abuse this time around, as that will have its own entry at some point in the future. I'm talking about emotional abuse, and gaslighting in particular, because there is a very odd phenomenon I have seen happen over the years: how someone can watch another person be emotionally abused, gaslighted, and manipulated, and they can still side with the abuser and hold them up in the highest regard.

Ah, but that's the whole point of gaslighting and manipulation, you might very quickly interject. Yes, indeed, that's the whole point, as the people around the victim might also be manipulated into believing differently so that the victim remains isolated, but what I'm referring to goes well beyond that.

First, as the after-effects of emotional abuse really mean that the victim doubts their reality, and often end up having huge trust issues, it might actually be really difficult for the third person to genuinely remain in the victim's life, so it's not always the third person's fault. Let's call them the friend, as the kind of people I'm referring to normally end up being friends of both the victim and the abuser, sometimes becoming tighter with the abuser than the victim in the long run. As it happens, then, the friend ends up inadvertently becoming an enabler, and sometimes an apologist as well, as whatever they see as hurt or pain in the abuser is often used as the reason their friend might be "A bit difficult, eh?" or "Not really easy to get along with" or "Not everyone's cup of tea, you know?" but very rarely "An abuser."

In most of these instances the victim is called out for being difficult, remaining stuck in the past or being unwilling to forgive - with barely any acknowledgement at all of the actions of the abuser and more often than not a complete disregard towards the victim's need to vent or to emotionally discharge in any way. "Why can't you let go?", "Stop carrying this, you're hurting yourself?", "Are you sure you're not making too much of it?" - we've all heard those kinds of questions and more! Or even worse: "Why can't you let go? X obviously has!"... Of course X has let go! X did the damage in the first place, X has nothing to let go of...! But do it goes, and the victim often has to see their friend congratulating their abuser on being oh so strong, on having had the strength and perseverance to survive this, that and the other, or, even better, on having this huge, open and oh so forgiving heart.

Let's be super honest about this: it is painful to watch as our abuser gets revered for having stood their ground or for being able to forgive this petty person who obviously won't forgive them for that misunderstanding last year. It feels like lead in the stomach when your abuser talks about how much they have hurt in their lives and how they deserve all the love in the world in front of mutual friends and you see them lifting him/her up in a way they didn't do with you when you were at the mercy of said abuser. Don't get me wrong, there are times when the suffering is very real and they will deserve everyone's pity and support - deaths of loved ones, illness, loss of something significant, of course we're all bound to be suffering from all of these issues of real life, so let's be honest too and acknowledge that it's good to have friends who will want to help those in need, regardless of their past! And yes, it is a mark of strength if you're able to reach out to your abuser in their time of need, but there is *no* shame at all in not wanting to do so either! It's not about "being the better person" or being "in a higher spiritual place" or anything like that - the hurt you suffered at their hands might be enough for you to distance yourself from them in every single way and that should always be respected in every single way too.

I think we can safely say we all know someone who will do a big song and dance about being so open to forgiveness that they will write a 2-minute read Facebook status saying something like "If you have hurt me in the past, I forgive you. If I have hurt you in the past I forgive myself, as I am wise enough to know that the hurt might not leave your heart so I'll help you out by letting it leave mine". Sounds enlightened and mystical, doesn't it? A drink for the first person who can tell me what's wrong with it!

Ironically enough, this also displays how the abuser might be manipulating others to believe that the victim is actually the abuser! I see this every day, as I have lived through several examples, some which happened to me directly, some that happened to people I love and thus I was very able to detect who was lying and who was telling the truth... And when you're able to do that you're also able to tell how the manipulator worked on your mind as well and it's terrifying, but it's better to do so so we're able to break free!

Anyway, a few months ago I was very open about how something very triggering had happened as Stephen and I were on our way to rehearsal for a play we were in, and that was kind of also the reason I stopped writing for several months. PTSD from emotional abuse needs more understanding, and acknowledging that people might often be victims who have to stand back and watch as everyone treats their abusers as if they were the best thing since sliced bread is also important, regardless of whether the abuser has changed or not or deserves their own accolades for whatever they're doing - perhaps they're a really talented artist, writer or actor, or perhaps they've just developed a socio-economic plan that'll actually help the people in the town they live in, or perhaps they've just started a new business or course that will change their life forever, and even in such a way that they're able to truly change their ways!

So, all in all, yes, be kind to them, because everyone deserves to be treated well, but don't do the "Oh, but he/she seems like such a sweet person" if you learn what they have done in the past - and make sure you can distinguish between the abuser and the victim as well. This really needs to be said and talked about, as only then can we really escape from the cage of fear, shame and pain - and that goes both for victims as well as their friends who are just realising any of this. There might be more options, and I'd be happy to hear them too and help spread the word, but for the moment this is what I've experienced and this is what I know.

In short, be kind to everyone, because you never know their story and what they have had to endure. Be kind to everyone and celebrate their success, their strength, their survival. Be kind to everyone and don't be afraid to break away if you find something out that you're not comfortable with. Be kind to everyone and at the same time feel no shame in aknowledging that you might have inadvertently enabled emotional abuse, but please do whatever you might need to do to rectify the damage if that's the case. Be kind to everyone and help them rise up from the trauma or from their past mistakes if you feel you can. Be kind to everyone and acknowledge their pain and their past. Be kind to everyone and acknowledge that not everyone will want to - or has to, even - forgive. Be kind to everyone and perhaps the balance will be restored.

Healing and blessings to everyone,
Sandra Cole ~ Actress, Model, Writer, Esoteric Practitioner
Photo by Michael Foley - not necessarily intended to depict a cage, as I had so much fun in this photoshoot, but expressive nonetheless.