My New Path

It's no secret that I haven't been around here much over the past few years - not due to anything bad, but rather because my path took me to explore my writing in other ways, and to model for artists and perform in many marvelous productions, some in my own production company, others by other fantastic creators. I have chosen to leave this blog open as an archive of the path I've followed so far, and I'll invite you to follow my new path if you want to be part of my artistic growth.

Visit my new writer's profile here

Visit my portfolio, where you can find more pictures like the one above by Mark Pickthall here,

Visit His & Hers Theatre Company here,

Visit my acting profile here,

Or... 

You can buy Wideawake here,

You can buy Tales from the Rooftop here,

You can buy Tales from the Rooftop bilingual edition here. 

In any case, whatever you choose to do, many blessings fall upon your path!

   Sandra Cole ~ Actress, Model, Writer, Witch

My parents and the meaning of Life

Today, as well as being my Handfasting anniversary with my gorgeous Stephen, it's also my parents wedding anniversary! We didn't plan it that way, it was just how the dates worked out best for everyone and that's what happened, but in any case I am so honoured and privileged to share a synchronous anniversary with my parents, the two brilliant people who created our family and brought me and my sister up to be kind, generous, great lovers of culture and of knowledge too; these two wonderful people who have supported me in all my endeavours and all my emotional turmoils, and who even now are ready at the touch of a button if I'm in need and who applaud my creative endeavours from afar.

However, it's not just any anniversary for them - no, it's their 42nd anniversary! So, just think about it: 42 years ago they stood in front of all the people they loved and cherished and vowed to one another that their love was real. 42 years and many journeys, house moves, learning experiences for each of their daughters and for themselves, camping trips, museum days, cinema outings, life complications, illnesses, misunderstandings, fayre excursions, swimming lessons, music shows, stories written, stories told, beloved dogs, cornmaze adventures, episodes of hilarity, theatre treks, reasons for merriment, one grandson, and 5 1/2 cats later, they have reached the meaning of life.

...And more to the point, they have reached the meaning of life together! So I celebrate them!
Thank you Mum & Dad, for being the meaning of life!

What it means to be a woman

What it means to be a woman, even though it varies from country to country and from generation to generation, has the same basis for all of us. Every single one of us, that I personally know, have been told at one time or another that we are not enough of a woman. Some of us have even been told so as recently as today, the international celebration of womanhood!

Some of us carry scars, physical or emotional, or both, just for the very fact of having been born a woman. Some of us have had to hide ourselves, quiet down, shrink our muchness, even turn to manliness sometimes, in order to protect ourselves from the pain. Some of us have been made to believe that if we're invisible then we won't be their prey, or that if we've been born in a particular way then we'll never amount to femininity. Some of us have fought back and opened up the barriers of communication, leading to real changes for equality and rights.

In my experience, that fight has been an upwards struggle, a constant reminder that I was not born with the attributes of what makes a woman and thus I do not deserve to be celebrated today, and even worse, it has been underlined with the fear of being attacked just for the fact of having been born a woman even if socially I wasn't recognised as one. The consequences of that haven't fully left my body and soul even after living in another country for 8 years. I second guess myself and still have a substantial fear of being judged one way or another by people just by whether I show my cleavage or wear lipstick or not, and there are also bits of my body where past anxiety is still stuck and it's literally been a pain to remove it from there.

I will say, however, just like I've said before, it's not that Mexico is a nightmare in itself, and thankfully I have a family who supported me stoically! From a dad who constantly and consistently talked me out of cosmetic surgery and encouraged me to embrace body positivity, to a mum who was open and wise about the physical aspects of growing up and about her own traumas so I could understand better and act accordingly in my own case, to a sister who wisely brandished away other people's comparisons between us and encouraged me to find my own style and ways, to other members of my family who had my back or slowly understood too, so at least I've had that support around me. I know many other women who had less, and some even from other countries too...

Before you continue reading: major trigger warning ahead. A lot of what I'll talk about has to do with actual cases of sexual assault in various degrees and even femicide.

Anyway, the situation, as it stands, in Mexico there's still the need to approach the treatment of women with a full legal and policing way. Issues like domestic violence and sexual abuse are still seen in some places as provoked by the woman herself, and femicide is still lessened in importance by some groups as a way to withdraw the protection that women should have. I remember study cases from when I was doing my degree in International Relations of wives in marginal towns going into the police station and being told that she must have provoked her husband so as to beat her so or that she'd broken the arm of her assailant when he tried to rape her in the metro station so she's the one who had to do the time in jail while he walked free. I remember the murder of the beauty queen (from another school) by two taxi drivers which happened just a few minutes drive away from the university I was in, who left her hanging from a tree after drugging, torturing her and raping her - and they had special treatment during the little time they served, as well having less time to serve because they had only acted in accordance with how males react to sexy and alluring females.

Believe me that it is a shock to me when I hear new-agey things like: "We seek out our own experiences in order to learn from them", or "We need pain in order to grow", or "We come into this world already knowing what we will experience and we chose to experience those things". I never knew the girl, but I am 100% certain that she never chose any of that. I didn't choose to be assaulted by a complete stranger when I was only a child; I didn't choose to be assaulted by the director of a play I was in and later on to be taken off another project because he'd told the production team that I was too uptight to do a sexual scene and I'd refused to work with him, I didn't choose to be assaulted by my best friend's boyfriend when I was telling him about my two failed pregnancies and he decided it meant I was coming on to him by talking about making babies; I didn't choose to be assaulted by someone in the room while I was literally having a miscarriage, for that matter! I didn't choose to be assaulted on the train literally the morning I had landed back in Mexico to prepare my wedding and comply with UK's visa conditions. And the list goes on.

And lists upon lists could be made for most of the women I know. One didn't choose to have a father that would put her down at any time he could. Another didn't choose to have a mother whose ideas of femininity meant that my friend would have to stick to strict diets so as to keep herself to size 2 and thus be a woman God would really love. Another sure as hell didn't choose to be sexually assaulted at age 4. Another didn't choose to be born in what socially is considered a "male" body (and to have her struggle to be thrown in her face by people, too!). Another didn't choose to make the choices she appeared to have made when she got engaged to a doctor who later sent her to a rehab facility and broke off the engagement, but was instead manipulated into making them by him and also because of other people's standards. None of them ever chose to be attacked, assaulted and undefined as they were (and in some cases still are!).

Side note here, because it's important, exactly the same can be said about men - they didn't decide to be attacked, assaulted and undefined either. Male victims are particularly hard to deal with for some people because men are still seen only as the attacker in so many cases, and it's heartbreaking to see how much men suffer sometimes without being able to speak up or even being believed when they do.

Back to the point. In my case, I initially dealt with my reality by hiding myself in manliness. What first seemed like an act of rebellion against male/female social standards swiftly turned into an active case of cross-dressing in order to become invisible to men. I was an early developer, having the first curves and possibly period in my class, even though I was always the youngest in my grade. But I also had PCOS, which meant testosterone levels through the ceiling and all the skin and hair issues that come with it, as well as withering pain every X number of weeks or sometimes months. So, being that I also understood the biology of the body way more than anyone of my generation back then, I actually wondered if I was intersex or maybe even a man who'd been born with the "wrong" organs. I was 13, maybe 14 at the time. I was confused and misled by the social standards of my race and time, but it inevitably led me to explore, research and understand the gender structures within society, culture, religion and history, so I have a deep appreciation to myself for having had the mindset of that approach to things. For several years after, I fluctuated between masculine and feminine until I was approached by a child who asked me who I really wanted to be. The answer to that, in my heart, mind, body and soul, was "A Woman". So I simply ditched everything that I had been using as a protection and began to explore my own femininity. And by my own I mean my own, the one that I only have and no other woman has. Each one of us have our own femininity just as each man has his own masculinity, and each gender-fluid person has their own of each, too, and each non-binary person has their own self as well. Sense of self is an individual matter and every single way everyone wishes to convey that self is valid.

So, I re-explored myself, following not a path but more like a tree, with branches going everywhere and criss-crossing with itself, and new leaves growing out from season to season. I preferred it like that as that gave me an opportunity to look back at my different styles and pick and choose from there. Yet that wasn't enough for me to be acknowledged as a woman in my entirety - oh no - I still needed that alluring quality that I was formally and explicitly told by many people, men and women alike, I resolutely didn't have!

Let me expand on this a bit: you know that song from Rent, "Out Tonight?" That's a song that's always been particularly triggering for me because as I grew up it's basically what was always explained to me that women had to be like in order to BE women. I've said it before and I'll say it until it sinks in for anyone who hasn't got it yet: in Mexico, the only way to actually be beautiful is to wear makeup. In other people-s eyes, I fluctuated between ugly and plain because I wear no to very little makeup. I literally do BB cream, mascara and lipstick, and eyeliner or glitter only if I'm performing in something specific. Add to that that as you grow up in Mexico you're expected to be the one who everyone chases after and who gets everything for free just because you're a woman. You're expected to like to have lots of fun and lots of giggles and lots of boys asking you for dates. But not to get drunk or to have sex cos that's not Catholic.

Well, that's what that song is about, and that's what I was constantly and explicitly told that I would never be like. There were even times when I was out with a group of friends and there were guys there who had treated them to all kinds of things for free the last few times they'd gone out together, but because I was there then I had to pay my own stuff, or even worse in my friend's eyes, that because I was there we *all* had to pay a share of what had been drunk (even though I hadn't drunk at all because I was on medication at the time). And that's kind of just the tip of the iceberg. I was never allowed to showcase myself as a woman because as soon as I did that someone, anyone, would complain for different reasons. I have spoken about all of this before and will keep expanding in the future for the sake of those who might find it beneficial, but for now I will carry on with what I deem to be the general female experience.

(Another side note, I have nothing particularly against Rosario Dawson, who played Mimi in the movie. I don't know much of her life, so maybe she's lovely in reality, and I can understand why some people see her as beautiful, but in my opinion she's not a good actress. She's always exactly the same in everything I've seen her in, so to me she lacks depth and thus was the wrong choice for the character. Sometimes we need to admit that not all actors are actually talented, which many people are failing to see now the "haters gonna hate" slogan has become the automatic defence. Actors are paid to act. We're literally giving them our money so that they present a character to us. It has nothing to do with "haters"! If someone is not delivering a character to us then they're not doing their job, it's that easy.)

Carrying on, I admit that I'm constantly astounded by hearing the stories of women who are ten or twenty years older than me and who've experienced extremely similar things to myself but over here, in a completely different country and what I would have understood as completely different circumstances. I don't see as many ladies in my generation having being lowered down as I was when we were growing up, and very rarely for the same reasons if they were, except if they were born with a particular body type that does not go according to social standards - too fat, too skinny, "was born male" (which particularly irks me, as they were certainly not born male! Trans women were born female but by hormonal issues developed organs associated with the male structure, and vice versa with Trans men. I recommend TransgenderFacts.org for anyone who whishes to understand more about this subject).

Oh, I can nearly hear it now, people asking me what I'm on about, since I've already declared that I was confused regarding my gender. Yes, that's right I was confused; *me*, but that doesn't mean other people are too. I had that particular experience, and I'm too painfully aware of how many people discredit being Trans on the basis that they could "just be confused". To be absolutely blunt and brutal, that is a huge disservice to both Trans people and confused Cis people. Same applies for genderfluid and non-binary individuals, by the way. Social standards have a lot to answer for the treatment of all groups, especially on days like this when femininity is celebrated but for some people only the type of femininity that fits their mould will get to be wished anything good today...

I feel that this has grown a bit too long, so I might try closing with a bit more of an insight into how harmed feminity has become, and how harmed masculinity has also become without maybe even realising so. Remember the song from Rent I mentioned above? "Out tonight"? Well, after everything I explained that the song says, the character, gorgeous and alluring exotic dancer Mimi, goes on to sing that they should get so drunk and go to a place so dark "So we forget who we are". It really leaves me thinking! Why would she, of all people, the one who in many eyes is upheld as the paragon of beauty, sexiness and allure, want her and her date to forget who they are? Why would anyone who has everything that supposedly everyone wants to have (and presumably envies her for it) want for her and her date to forget who they are? Food for thought, isn't it? I've already previously explained how Jonathan Larson's character, Mimi, is someone who puts on a front of being tough and street smart but in the end is the one who is most lost, and that, to me, is the epitome of the consequences of forced feminity. Needless to say, the actress portraying her has to be able to portray both sides with enough depth, and in my humble opinion that's the reason why the movie got as much criticism as it did, because they picked just a pretty face with no depth - and there's nothing wrong with being a pretty face, but when it comes to the harm that comparison creates, when someone is put high up on a pedestal just because of their perceived beauty and nothing else, and others suffer because they are automatically seen as less, then there's an issue, particularly when the subject on the pedestal feeds the crowd's affection for them and uses it to make others feel lesser, that that is something that a lot of women in that position do. Growing up in Mexico was very difficult not just because of predatory men but also because of how many times the lady on the pedestal made sure that the rest of us were squashed under her foot. There's a lot of memes and artwork going around advocating for the ceasing of comparison between women, and I do have to admit how many people would be surprised to know how the comparison between women is in some cases instigated by some women to make sure that they are seen as better than other women and that they are now advocating for the comparison to stop so that those who were their victims don't out them as the manipulators that they have been? I think this could be a subject for a whole new entry at some point...

Back to the subject: let's all forget who we are after I've seduced you and bragged about how I get everything for free and how everyone wants me so much that they'll fight over me might possibly not be the healthiest approach to femininity... A lot of that has been in my head as I've recently been in a production of Rent (alongside my proudly gender-fluid and always gorgeous husband Stephen Stevie, by the way!), and I was lucky enough to play a role which functions as a beacon to call Mimi out from the darkness after she's been lost for months - Mimi's mum, Mrs. Marquez, who only has a few lines and repeats them in an intrinsically woven roundel alongside some of the other parents in the cast. I was initially reluctant to take on the character, knowing that singing publicly in Spanish, in a musical that means so much to me for different reasons, might do things to my head that I wasn't ready for, but after some consideration and the right guidance I was able to tap into the bit of me that, as much as it did malfunction when the time came and made me cry A LOT, it also gave me the strength the character needs to portray as she calls out to her daughter. I wondered, who is Mimi, really? What is she hiding so desperately from? Why does she so fervently want to forget who she is? Her mom is obviously looking for her, she clearly cares about her daughter, so why is Mimi running? And then it hit me. I was playing a character that effectively showcases the dynamic of generational standards in Latino families, which meant that she herself had already gone through (and was possibly still going through) the same things Mimi sang about. I knew in a heartbeat what Mimi was running away from and why she so desperately wanted for her and her date to forget who they were, and why the song triggers me so.

Because when you're born a woman you get attacked just by the fact that you're a woman. Regardless of whether or not you conform to the social standards of what a woman is, you will still be attacked just by having been born a woman. And you will get attacked both by men and by women, regardless of how the media tries to portray it. The amount of times I've been in a dressing room and one woman notoriously makes it so that all eyes are on her and belittles everyone else in a sugary-sweet way that fools everyone into thinking that she's just being kind to those less fortunate than her; the amount of times I've heard women make an event or a special room for "all women" but keep some women out because they're not what the organisers deem women to be; the amount of times I've struggled to be seen as desirable so as to get a role or a particular modelling job and the answer is something to the effect of "Well, of course you couldn't have competed with *her*, she's what people want to see, not you...", and the amount of times I'm sure the exact same thing happens to many of my friends in the industry; the amount of times any combination of these things has happened (and once again, the list could go on), to me, really beggars belief. Disbelief that it's 2020 and the news of women being abused from all fronts and all contexts is still happening...

I hope that humanity can begin to see that we desperately need to start remembering who we are and stop attacking and abusing each other. I hope that equality does not transform into the discovery that men are attacked and abused as much as women, but rather that both men and women are equally safe from attacks and abuse. I long to live in a world where everyone can freely express who they are and if anyone does not like it they just step away and let the person be. No holding back, no attack, no abuse, no putting down or harming in any way, just the sidestep move to let the person continue being. Those who don't like it don't have to hold the person they don't like up, they can literally just step away and let them be!

So, on this International Women's Day I wish my gorgeous Stevie, all the wonderful women in my family, all my fabulous lady friends and colleagues a wonderful day of exploration, understanding and acknowledgement from all fronts!

And may equality reign at last!

As always the me that's me,
Sandra Cole ~ Actress, Model, Writer, Witch

*Sketch by the lovely art student Marion from Wells Art Practice, where I model on a regular basis.

Larson's Vie Bohème and Legacy

I normally write my blog entries when something particularly important is happening, either an event that I've taken part in, or a special anniversary about anything I care about, and today in particular marks both of those items to perfection! Today we celebrate the birthday of Jonathan Larson, what would have been his 60th birthday in fact, which makes it pretty big!

Jonathan Larson is someone who should have had a completely different set of cards dealt in his life, and at the same time someone whom we wouldn't have such an incredible legacy to remember him by if it wasn't for the cards he was dealt - talk about bittersweet!
By his legacy I am talking of course about RENT! The incredible musical which opened doors and boundaries for BAME and possibly even more so LGBTQIA+ actors and artists, and if I may be as bold as to say, just as much an exquisite musical composition as La Bohème, on which RENT is based. The technical achievements of dialogue songs between the leads and even more convoluted ensemble numbers such as La Vie Bohème and the extremely stunning Seasons of Love are proof enough that Larson created a real masterpiece - not to mention the beautiful cacophony that is Christmas Bells! Truly, absolute proof of Larson's genius!
He gave a voice to the poor, the homeless, the diseased and the disabled. He gave a voice to sex workers and strippers, and to anyone anyone whose sexual practices came outside the norm. Regardless of whether critics or scholars say that Larson agreed or disagreed with any specific lifestyle, and I've heard and read so many opinions on this, the fact is that he gave a voice to so many people who still didn't have a voice in the 90s. There were ancestors to this, of course, like Hair and Jesus Christ Superstar, and of course La Bohème a hundred years earlier! But there was something that Larsson did that created a turning point for generations to come. He was able to unify the issue, and to close the gap so to speak, between the classes and how each person sees things depending on where they came from and where they're intending to go, or if they can still go somewhere because of their illness, which is the crux of the matter! The eight main roles have a mix of backgrounds, the three leads forming a particularly balanced triangle in what they all give and get from each other: Mark Cohen, Jewish intellectual turned creative, still seen as a little boy by his mother (kindhearted lady but a bit clueless); Roger Davis, ex pretty boy front man who suddenly has to confront his own mortality; and Mimi Márquez, young and sassy S&M club dancer who suddenly has to admit she's not as tough and savvy as she wants to pretend.
The supporting characters have as much weight as the leads, though, in that each one is supremely pivotal to the story in general and the character arcs of the rest of the cast! Maureen Johnson (star of the show in her own mind), Miss White Privilege who starts off as helping others for the fame but then genuinely interested in making life better for them (in my opinion the most difficult character to cast, and not just here but possibly ever!). She's Mark's ex and is now with Joanne Jefferson, an Ivy League-graduated lawyer who defies her family's expectations while at the same time defying anyone who dares to say that being organised and structural is boring or unsexy at all - and she's one of my full-on dream roles, by the way! Joanne is also one of the first male to female roles converted in a new adaptation of this kind, which gives her an edge that I'm particularly attracted to.
Then we have one of the ultimate power couples in any musical: Tom Collins and Angel Dumott Schunard - will not say too much about them, because spoilers! but they are two of my favourite characters in any musical, and Angel in particular is just a real delight to watch - and to learn from!!
And last but absolutely not least, we've got Benjamin Coffin III, antihero, anti-villain, and decisively catalystic! Unfortunate idealist-turned-capitalist, but without whom the story would not unfold!
So, this is what I mean when I say that what Larson created here, in translating these eight characters into their new and revised versions, was to give all kinds of different people a voice. All of them have something to say, and all of them come from different walks of life. The actors who have portrayed these roles have, for the most part, played them with depth and understanding of the intention behind the lyrics and sets. All ensemble casts have deeply moved me, and I feel so proud, honoured and blessed to be part of the ensemble cast this time around, too!
And by the way, I was originally going to write this entry yesterday, as it was Gertrude Stein's birthday, until I realised it would have been Larson's 60th, and then everything changed and I went into a wild (and fun!) connections research frenzy - first finding out that Rosa Parks and Rupert Grint share their birthday with Jonathan Larson (how cool is that?), and then finding out all sorts of interesting bits from all my favourite cast members (so far, as I haven't seen all the versions yet, so this entry might need updating later on, wink wink).
Let me take a deep breath and write all this down La Vie Bohème style: first things first, the already legendary Anthony Rapp and Adam Pascal, respectively original (and both best) Mark and Roger, nearly shared the same birthday, as Pascal's is on October 25th and Rapp's is on October 26th. Not too amazing yet, but things start getting funny when you see that Telly Leung, who first took part on the ensemble and played the role of my favourite Squeegee Man as well as Angel's understudy, later on went to play a very fantastic Angel, pretty much the same as Will Chase, who played the Squeegee Man and was understudy for Roger and then went on to play him very decently afterwards - yet the even funnier thing is that Leung's birthday is on January 3rd (same as JRR Tolkien, on a literary tangent!), and two other cast members' birthdays are on January 2nd: my favourite Mimi and Benny, Renée Elise Goldsberry and Taye Diggs! Then we have several of my favourites respectively whose birthdays fall on the second of each month - Eden Espinosa (Maureen) on February 2nd just gone, Fredi Walker (original and fantastic Joanne) on October 2nd, Wilson Jermaine Heredia (absolutely legendary Angel) on December 2nd, and Wayne Brady (perfect Collins to Leung's fantastic Angel) on June 2nd. My other two favourites, Jesse L. Martin as Collins and the unomparable Tracie Thoms as Joanne come out of the pattern a little bit, but Martin's birthday is on January 18th and Thoms' is on June 12th, so *I* get to share my birthday month and day with them, so there!
Ok, ok, I will concede that this might have just been a combination of OCD + ADD talking here making connections, but I will also admit that making those connections makes it, for me, even more poignant because they are all part of this great never-ending story - the cast, I mean. Actors will take over their roles one after the other, and Larson's legacy will continue in the circle, as the Seasons of Love come one after the other and new generations get to explore and experience this musical.
And now I am part of it.
The fabulous cast that I am part of will be in the spotlight, and I shall write even more about my experience with them soon, too!
For now, let's raise our glass to La Vie Bohème and Jonathan Larson!

With blessings as always,

Sandra Cole ~ Actress, Model, Writer, Witch

For tickets to RENT in Arc Theatre Trowbridge, click here!

Personal thoughts: one way to escape

I want to talk today about a subject that we all need to start being really honest about: how extremely easy it is to become an enabler during cases of emotional abuse. I'm not talking about physical or sexual abuse this time around, as that will have its own entry at some point in the future. I'm talking about emotional abuse, and gaslighting in particular, because there is a very odd phenomenon I have seen happen over the years: how someone can watch another person be emotionally abused, gaslighted, and manipulated, and they can still side with the abuser and hold them up in the highest regard.

Ah, but that's the whole point of gaslighting and manipulation, you might very quickly interject. Yes, indeed, that's the whole point, as the people around the victim might also be manipulated into believing differently so that the victim remains isolated, but what I'm referring to goes well beyond that.

First, as the after-effects of emotional abuse really mean that the victim doubts their reality, and often end up having huge trust issues, it might actually be really difficult for the third person to genuinely remain in the victim's life, so it's not always the third person's fault. Let's call them the friend, as the kind of people I'm referring to normally end up being friends of both the victim and the abuser, sometimes becoming tighter with the abuser than the victim in the long run. As it happens, then, the friend ends up inadvertently becoming an enabler, and sometimes an apologist as well, as whatever they see as hurt or pain in the abuser is often used as the reason their friend might be "A bit difficult, eh?" or "Not really easy to get along with" or "Not everyone's cup of tea, you know?" but very rarely "An abuser."

In most of these instances the victim is called out for being difficult, remaining stuck in the past or being unwilling to forgive - with barely any acknowledgement at all of the actions of the abuser and more often than not a complete disregard towards the victim's need to vent or to emotionally discharge in any way. "Why can't you let go?", "Stop carrying this, you're hurting yourself?", "Are you sure you're not making too much of it?" - we've all heard those kinds of questions and more! Or even worse: "Why can't you let go? X obviously has!"... Of course X has let go! X did the damage in the first place, X has nothing to let go of...! But do it goes, and the victim often has to see their friend congratulating their abuser on being oh so strong, on having had the strength and perseverance to survive this, that and the other, or, even better, on having this huge, open and oh so forgiving heart.

Let's be super honest about this: it is painful to watch as our abuser gets revered for having stood their ground or for being able to forgive this petty person who obviously won't forgive them for that misunderstanding last year. It feels like lead in the stomach when your abuser talks about how much they have hurt in their lives and how they deserve all the love in the world in front of mutual friends and you see them lifting him/her up in a way they didn't do with you when you were at the mercy of said abuser. Don't get me wrong, there are times when the suffering is very real and they will deserve everyone's pity and support - deaths of loved ones, illness, loss of something significant, of course we're all bound to be suffering from all of these issues of real life, so let's be honest too and acknowledge that it's good to have friends who will want to help those in need, regardless of their past! And yes, it is a mark of strength if you're able to reach out to your abuser in their time of need, but there is *no* shame at all in not wanting to do so either! It's not about "being the better person" or being "in a higher spiritual place" or anything like that - the hurt you suffered at their hands might be enough for you to distance yourself from them in every single way and that should always be respected in every single way too.

I think we can safely say we all know someone who will do a big song and dance about being so open to forgiveness that they will write a 2-minute read Facebook status saying something like "If you have hurt me in the past, I forgive you. If I have hurt you in the past I forgive myself, as I am wise enough to know that the hurt might not leave your heart so I'll help you out by letting it leave mine". Sounds enlightened and mystical, doesn't it? A drink for the first person who can tell me what's wrong with it!

Ironically enough, this also displays how the abuser might be manipulating others to believe that the victim is actually the abuser! I see this every day, as I have lived through several examples, some which happened to me directly, some that happened to people I love and thus I was very able to detect who was lying and who was telling the truth... And when you're able to do that you're also able to tell how the manipulator worked on your mind as well and it's terrifying, but it's better to do so so we're able to break free!

Anyway, a few months ago I was very open about how something very triggering had happened as Stephen and I were on our way to rehearsal for a play we were in, and that was kind of also the reason I stopped writing for several months. PTSD from emotional abuse needs more understanding, and acknowledging that people might often be victims who have to stand back and watch as everyone treats their abusers as if they were the best thing since sliced bread is also important, regardless of whether the abuser has changed or not or deserves their own accolades for whatever they're doing - perhaps they're a really talented artist, writer or actor, or perhaps they've just developed a socio-economic plan that'll actually help the people in the town they live in, or perhaps they've just started a new business or course that will change their life forever, and even in such a way that they're able to truly change their ways!

So, all in all, yes, be kind to them, because everyone deserves to be treated well, but don't do the "Oh, but he/she seems like such a sweet person" if you learn what they have done in the past - and make sure you can distinguish between the abuser and the victim as well. This really needs to be said and talked about, as only then can we really escape from the cage of fear, shame and pain - and that goes both for victims as well as their friends who are just realising any of this. There might be more options, and I'd be happy to hear them too and help spread the word, but for the moment this is what I've experienced and this is what I know.

In short, be kind to everyone, because you never know their story and what they have had to endure. Be kind to everyone and celebrate their success, their strength, their survival. Be kind to everyone and don't be afraid to break away if you find something out that you're not comfortable with. Be kind to everyone and at the same time feel no shame in aknowledging that you might have inadvertently enabled emotional abuse, but please do whatever you might need to do to rectify the damage if that's the case. Be kind to everyone and help them rise up from the trauma or from their past mistakes if you feel you can. Be kind to everyone and acknowledge their pain and their past. Be kind to everyone and acknowledge that not everyone will want to - or has to, even - forgive. Be kind to everyone and perhaps the balance will be restored.

Healing and blessings to everyone,
Sandra Cole ~ Actress, Model, Writer, Esoteric Practitioner
Photo by Michael Foley - not necessarily intended to depict a cage, as I had so much fun in this photoshoot, but expressive nonetheless.

Mandala Queen

by Mark Pictkhall

by Suzie Mcfadzean

Layers.
Captivating.
Layers.
Showing ever so slightly parts of me that had been hidden.

Layers.

Growth, emotion, hope.
Layers.
Reality unfolded, cosmic ratios becoming one again.

by Stephen Cole

Layers,
Measurements and waves and pleasure,
Magic unfolded in the layers of my self.
Layers of pain and joy and wisdom,
Cosmic release and expansion beyond.

Layers,
My proportions glowing, undulating,
Happy to be flowing,
Happy to be on show.
Layers of Nature's shapes and psychic discoveries,
Layers of spiritual increase.

Art that creates the layers,
Layers that display the art,
Entering a state of glee as I frolic in the layers,
As I dance beneath the layers and the layers come undone,
As I revel in the layers and the real me is put on show,

Art and healing and light and shade,
Layers embracing me and layers displaying me,
Layers softening the path as I become.
And I become.
Mandala Queen.

Sandra Cole ~ Actress, Model, Writer, Witch

With many thanks to the utterly amazing and inspiring Erica Jane Wafford for using me as her canvas for her gorgeous creation, and to all the photographers who captured the magic!! Photos taken during Glastonbury Body Art Festival, in benefit of Children's World.

by Geoff Corris

by Suzie Mcfazdean

by Normal for Glastonbury (left) and Soleira Green (right)

by Fields of Light Photography

by Ian George from Cosmic Oak Media, featuring Stephen Cole as Anubis, painted by Sian Eirwen Drew

What You Will, indeed!

Last night we had a first, and what a first it was!
Twelfth Night, or What You Will, is at its core a story about confusion and duality and the effects of the visit from the Lord of Misrule, and, well, to put it simply, the Lord of Misrule paid a visit to us!
Over the couple of days leading up to our performance, three of our cast members had medical emergencies (all are in recovery, safe and sound), and thus we found ourselves three characters short of a play. Our fabulous cast, however, rose above it like nothing we had seen before! I love every single one of them and have full gratitude for what they helped accomplish, for we'd made a choice: we'd turn the play into a rehearsed reading and allow our actors to be as fully in character as they felt comfortable with under the new circumstances (taking neurodiversity and dislexia into consideration), and we both read for all three missing characters, book in hand, while everyone around us made the best use of the character they had become over the last four months. We stripped back the stage, forgoing the beautiful sea and sky curtain Stephen had put together in favour of a props table so that both of us could reach easily for the bits and pieces of the three characters that we hadn't rehearsed for and so that the whole setting worked as a rehearsed reading. Our cast members sat around us and enjoyed the ad-libbing that ensued, and they still managed to not break character when they came on stage with either of us, even though both Stephen and I had our books in hand to keep up with every scene change that our missing actors would have helped with (and so as to not have our brains melt with the effort that a neuro-diverse brain has to make in order to change last minute everything that has been rehearsed). And, let's also admit, it must not have been easy to keep their characters by my side, especially when I started bursting out in giggles after jumping from Antonio to Maria, to myself as Olivia and back again!
Then there were obviously the moments when Stephen or I would have ended up talking to ourselves because we shared a scene with the character that we were trippling with, so we had to ask two of our other actors to read in for the missing characters, and thus Sebastian ended up having three shapes and sizes, and no cap or yes cap depending on who remembered to put it on (or wether I remembered to put it on Sebastian's head or not!). As it happened, we did end up talking to ourselves a couple of times, and a personal favourite moment for me was Stephen fighting with himself as Sebastian and Toby Belch and me running up to him shouting in anger and then holding his hands and asking him to forgive my cousin and to be mine! Needless to say I couldn't stop giggling after that!
My scenes with Feste, with "Cesario" and with Malvolio were fabulous and nearly perfect, as every single one of them kept character and made the best of their time on stage, and I was able to keep my character to begin with until near the end when I was jumping back and forth so much that my brain had turned to mulch. The yellow stockings scene was as brilliant as we had planned, I'm proud to say, even though we had to change the setting completely to accommodate the rehearsed reading atmosphere, and I am looking forward to performing it with Tom Hector as the perfectly cast Malvolio that he was when we set a new date for the performance!
Our Feste, Ezra Aquinas Wardell, is a true star in the making. He stayed in character throughout and made me, Stephen and Janetta Morton, our "other" Maria, really comfortable in our scenes regardless of whether we were playing our own character or the newly assigned one. He is worth following, as he will go far! Janetta, wondrous veteran that she is, kept her calm and jumped into action whilst also providing a reassuring energy to everyone involved. Her three characters were brought to life as individually as she had set herself up to, and she stood her ground as Maria when needed.
Our fantastic Viola, Emmelaine Leighton-Maccardell, shone with every single line and even managed to keep me going when I said my lines in the wrong order, reacting accordingly and creating a genuinely poignant atmosphere between us. At one point I came on stage wearing Antonio's cap (which I had forgotten to give to Sebastian when it was time), and I took it off and threw it behind the screen, owning the joke, and she managed to keep a straight face and the emotion of the scene even though everyone else was in stitches. Her relationship with Orsino was also fantastic to behold, also making the emotion of Viola's love for Orsino feel absolutely real even though Stephen had just finished playing her twin brother. She deserves to shine, and we can't wait to see her play Viola in her full splendor!
Kesley Cage and Talitha Wade, as Sir Andrew Aguecheek and Fabian respectively, we're also utterly fantastic! Talitha, like Ezra and Emmelaine, did not break character once and gave Fabian the depth that we cast her for, and Kesley's impressive delivery of the foppish knight more than made up for the confusion that he was thrown into by the revolving characters around him, fate that was also suffered by Tim Parker as he had to bid Janetta's officer to arrest me and a of a sudden forgetting who was playing Antonio between me and Stephen. His delivery as Curio Valentine was impeccable until that moment of completely understandable confusion (and the ammount of times I had to remind the other actors and audience that I was playing Antonio or Maria was actually funny in itself anyway), and his patience in having to deal with the changes is truly worth a mention - neurodiversity can be a huge block for some people under said circumstances, but the way all our neuro-diverse actors dealt with these circumstances is commendable to say the least!
As for our actors who weren't there, they had been perfectly cast and for all of us it was a shame not to have been able to put on the production that we had rehearsed for for the last four months, but all of us are very excited for the moment when we're able to set it the way we plan it! Real friendships grew between the cast, and some of us have experienced a closeness that can only happen when improv takes over, so maybe the Lord of Misrule had it right all along?
I mean, at the end of the play I had to tell my newlywed husband Sebastian, as played by Tom that I was Antonio while my actual husband Stephen - who had been tripling as Sebastian until then, and who I had been seducing as Antonio until then while I rejected him as Olivia - asked our good friend Emmelaine to marry him whether he was Cesario or Viola (and whom I had been seducing as Olivia), and I gently reminded Tom that I was his wife Olivia again so that we could all kiss each other and live happily ever after... Then Tom jumped behind the screen, dropped his trousers and came out as Malvolio to confront me (as Olivia, not Antonio or Maria) about the yellow stockings incident!
As Fabian put it very wisely, If that had been played upon the stage I would've condemned it as an improvable fiction!

Sandra Cole ~ Actress, Model, Writer, Witch
His & Hers Theatre Company