Ok, here’s
what’s going on in my life…
Last week I was not even able to look up a short story or do a
picture thing again or at least grab one of my old essays so I could do the
progress thing I said a couple of weeks ago, but instead I came up with an
apology two days later, pretty much because that’s how hectic my life seems
right now… Yes, I get what some people
say, I don’t even have a job, and I’m traveling left and right and up and down
England, but there’s a reason why I’m doing that! (Besides love, I mean).
Oh, we’ll
start with that one…! There’s a key
answer I give when asked why I decided to settle down in England, and that is,
and shall always, be “For love”.
Granted, the meaning of that has changed as of late, although 99% of the
people usually think that there was always a boy involved in my emotional
attachment to this country. However, no
one seems to realize that before I met Stephen, I never had anything remotely
close to a British boyfriend, ever, during the 20 years between the day when I
first set foot in London to the moment that he and I became official. So, yes, the meaning of the answer has
changed, but only to make it stronger than ever… I have talked extensively on these pages
about my love for England: the way my energy vibrates on this land, the way my
words flow better than anywhere else, the way I feel like I can really show
enthusiasm for history and tradition and myth, and not be mocked about it; the
way I can read in any public place or transport and won’t have anyone come and
bother me about trying to look smarter or more important than the others around
me… the way I can walk and not feel oppressed
by weather, the beautiful architecture that stimulates my fantasizing, the way
the rain caresses my skin and the cool wind makes me feel light and energetic,
the way the music and other sounds in public places seem to blend in with the
scene most of the time and feel nice instead of clashing with my inner world…
Yes, Mexico
is extremely beautiful too and I gladly invite anyone who wishes to visit or
move there to do so, I’ve stated that multiple times as well, get over it… Thank you for bringing it up, but is that
really necessary, every single time?
I’ll talk
about that guilt-trip of mine in a minute, but first let me wrap up the other
issue so we can move on a bit more organically…
Thing is, now that I have the greatest reason ever to strive for my
chance to stay here, there is also the political situation the country is going
through… The UK government, like in any
other nation’s, is house to certain people who care more about their own wealth
than about the country’s actual needs.
Of course, this is a story we see everywhere in the world. Basically, if we were to put a group of
people in the same room, where every single person was from each different country,
and we told them to raise their hand if specific groups from their country’s
government are more concerned with filling up their pockets than with the
actual guiding of the nation and providing real welfare for the inhabitants, possibly
98% of them would raise their hand… The
rest might either a) might not have a nation due to ongoing power wars in their
native territory, b) might not be aware of the political climate in their
country and thus it would have been our mistake to have put them in the room
because we did not make a fully well-researched selection of these people, or
c) might blissfully be from New Zealand, Denmark, Sweden, or any other of the
handful of countries that has close-to no political controversies or
impending-doom social issues.
All right,
well, none of that’s new to anyone… Problem is, that as plenty of those
politicians in this country are blaming the current economic problems on the
immigrants, then a girl like me, has to work extra hard to prove she deserves
the visa, especially after previously running into the same problem in both
countries, England and Mexico, when looking for a job: I seem to be
overqualified to be hired in a lot of the things I applied to, what with having
a UK Masters, but at the same time I was underqualified to work in a lot of
other things, what with having only teaching as a background… Hence, my best option is to create my own
business, right? Sure, that’s a good
idea, except that these things don’t get launched in a matter of months, so I
have to work really really hard at it…!
Really really really hard! So it
might seem like I’m just travelling around, but I use most of my commuting time
in planning, note-editing, formulating my work plans, reading (which is also part
of my literary life, obviously) and trying to type up stuff when I’m not too
dizzy… otherwise I’m staring lifelessly at the world around me because every
once in a while I just end up so exhausted that my brain just takes off
somewhere to rest where I cannot bother it…
I want to say that a couple of times it has just remained back at
Glastonbury, while other times it most probably just went ahead to my place and
got in bed to wait for me, cos I really doubt that it has the energy to try to
look for somewhere new and take in new sights and information that at this
point could not even be processed if I tried…
Then there
is the one or two days a week that I get to run around London with a Sonic
Screwdriver in my hand being chased by aliens and whatnot, and that’s just as
tiring as it sounds… it’s also just as fun as it sounds, which is why I am
enjoying it so much, just as I am finding it so pleasurable to be doing my
literary research and planning my way of life while I’m traveling back and
forth…!
So, yes,
before anybody asks, I am having the time of my life, and when I repeat “really
hard” over and over that does not mean that I am having a bad time, cos on the
contrary, these past months have definitely been the best months of my
life! Thing is, there seems to be a
belief that if a person is enjoying themselves then they are not working hard
enough… And I carry so many of those
guilt-inducing ideas and stuff with me since times unknown… I’m working on releasing them, because they’re
slowing my progress: all of that having to explain and justify myself even
though no one has asked me about it is a real time-waster…! On the other hand, I can finally understand
why sometimes people might think I am saying things that I’m really not, and
hopefully I will reach a point when I can actually stop myself from altogether doing
it. They pretty much go hand in hand: I
over-explain or become quite enthusiastic in saying a particular YES or NO at
something, overcompensating for a wish not to have to justify myself, and
that’s when people have thought that I feel differently about certain things. So there you go, I’m still learning (yay!), and
actively trying to stop these misunderstandings from happening, which is even
cooler, cos I really want to be perceived as someone who says things as they
are, with no more or less meaning than I intend them to. I think I’m already a bit like that, because
some of my friends have told me lately that that is one of the things they
appreciate most about me, so yay again!
So, this is
my healing path, the never ending road that that I love walking, and sharing as
I do… Although there is still that noisy,
overcompensating thing I also have: the need to bring Mexico up every time I
speak wonders of England. I will go out
on a limb here and say that, since most people ask the question “You don’t like
it there?” when the other winces or shrugs or hesitates at the mention of said
place, I might have been taking things way too personal since the beginning
(so, like 25 years ago). That,
multiplied by seven when I went back to Durango after living in cultural and
friendship bliss for two years in Ann Arbor, being instantly tagged as
“malinchista” for feeling the way I did; and then multiplied by another nine or
ten, when years later people made a point of excluding me and saying that I was
not Mexican because I did not like the music they were playing at parties or
nightclubs (or cars or on the streets) (the bad kind of music, I mean. We’ve talked about this, remember? Twice.
Go back and check. Thanks.).
Anyway, my character
if I were in a mutant or magic movie would be an empath. Blimey, that came out of nowhere, didn’t
it? Um, let me go back a bit… Remember how we’ve also gone into the fact
that I do have hypersensitivity, all in all in every area, from skin and smell
and stuff, to feelings, and to the emotions of my closest ones in
particular. This is a thing that I view
as a rather pretty gift, because most of the time I am fully able to connect
with the person and clear things up or help them heal from something, or just
provide emotional support, even though it’s taken me years to polish my
abilities so that I don’t either take it personal and feel hurt if what the
person is feeling is anger or impotence, or so that I don’t feel completely
responsible for the person’s rise from that state of mind and soul. Because of this, I always felt very morally
wrong whenever one of my aunts or cousins of closest friends tried to sell my
own birth country to me, as if I was despising the country and everything it
entitles, which included them as well…
But I’m not and I never was! I
can understand the misunderstanding, however, because I do feel pretty strongly
about the things I don’t like, and I hold my right to not like them even if
that makes me become an absolute outsider, to the point of my lack of knowledge
of anything that goes on in their personal lives because I’m not invited to
their normal reunions, and thus no one fills me in on the gaps… For instance, a few weeks before my return to
England, a close friend of the family got married, and I had a very weird
moment of isolation when not only did I realize that everyone at the table I
was sitting in was talking about stuff they’d done on class trips or many other
reunions that I hadn’t been at, but I also discovered that someone I thought
was one of my closest friends was dating someone new, and I was completely out
of the loop. The question arose in my
mind: If this guy and I are such good friends, why did he not tell me
this? We’d been talking almost every week
I’d been in Durango, so I should have known, right? Erm, wait… why is it that I took something like
that so personal and felt completely left out, when more than half my friends
have not yet heard about my own relationship from a first-person basis? Well, before you answer, I’ll say that yes,
in that case I was completely an outsider, not that any of those implied are
less my friends or anything, cos they will remain dear to me no matter how far
away I am, but I should not have taken it so personally because I hadn’t really
been part of their group anyway! They
were all in the same Masters, in the same work place, in the same trips and
conferences, whereas I was always waving from afar. And still, it took me about two years and a
half to learn that not because you’re starting a new relationship, now you’re
going to go around to each one of your friends and say “Hey, guess what?”. Yeah, I *had* to learn that, because it never
quite occurred to me that most people don’t go yelling it all around,
particularly because there is not much time left for that, if what you’re
trying to do is get to know this new person…!
Yeah, I now get as well why some people get offended about that, too:
“Now you’re with someone new and you’ve forgotten about us, your true
friends!”. Sigh. All we can do is our best, and the best for
us, at that… Everyone else, if they’re
truly our friends, they will understand our happiness, our need to cope with it
in our own way, and our need to make it happen in our own way as well…
Wait, how
did I get from politics and visas all the way to this…? Not sure, but let me add something: in all
the subjects I’ve studied, all the things I’ve seen in the world, there is
nothing more interesting to me than human psychology, relationships, and
evolution of personality and soul… there is nothing more beautiful than those
moments when I say “Oh, that’s why!”, whether it is a good thing or a bad thing
that I am understanding… And I will also
say this: I will always believe in the human race, even as I give my glum
explanations of world politics and economy and stuff up there at the beginning of
this entry, I will forever cheer humanity on its path of healing and evolution,
and love and hope and brightness!
Cheers and
blessings all!!
