It feels so right to be here! I’m nearly completely unpacked (I just have
to get hooks so I can take my jewellery out of the TARDIS and hang it on the
wall the way I like it!), the flat is almost set up, and every step of the way
has truly made me feel like I’ve come home…
It took me a tad too long to get here, but it’s been so worthwhile to go
through whatever I had to go through to make it over!
I finally understand my mum’s words when she’d say she understood
me because she’d been through the same, and that she simply knew that there
were better things ahead because she was able to see my path from an outsider’s
angle and that she could tell that I’d be out of the murky waters sooner than I
gave myself credit for. I was different
back then; I hated it when people said that things would be better in the
future, that good things were going to happen to me and that I only had to be
patient; I needed to move, to hurry up time and events so that I could
experience that happiness now, but
that usually made it worse, because I wasn’t ready to receive the blessing that
I was reaching out for, and that would break me down instead of helping
me! However, I was productive and
optimistic and somewhere in my late twenties I changed my motto into the wise If something good didn’t happen for me now,
that’s because something better is waiting for me in the future; I’d often
add Just because something isn’t
happening now, it doesn’t mean it’ll never happen, and that’s how I
navigated for a few years, re-booting my healing process in the way that many of
you are already familiar with from reading previous entries.
That’s why, when all of the changes started happening for
the better some years ago, I decided to go into full blissful optimistic Zen
mode: Relax and Let it Flow…! Not
because I thought it was easy in any way, or because I was avoiding the
hardships of reality (I still get stressed now and then, and I do see the
truths of the world in many ways!), but because it feels healthy, motivational
and effective! And that’s why I went
into full honesty mode in the blog, even though it’s made me quite vulnerable
to the elements, yet what good is learning from heavy experiences if you cannot
share it with other people who might need it as much as you did, or know
somebody who do? I know that everyone’s
path is so different, that even close friends that have undergone a similar
experience than I did might need a whole different set of tools and processes
to get through it, but any little bit of shimmery hope that can come in
anybody’s way through my being open about my path will be worth it to me if it
helps out. I’ve said it one too many
times, I believe, but I say it again because I know I needed a remainder of it
ten or fifteen years ago: I needed to know that someone cared, that someone was
going to be there at the other end of the line, of the screen, of the world,
even, understanding and ready to tell me it was going to be okay.
I did just say that I hated it when people told me it was
going to be okay, didn’t I? It wasn’t
just my mum, it was so many of my friends and family, too many to name; but it
was always the What-do-you-know-about-it? feeling that kept me from trusting
their words in the first place, it was never them! I needed someone who’d
never known me, who’d never seen me, even, to reassure me, because that person
was impartial, that person was going to tell me the truth not based on what
they felt for me or what they’d thought I’d done wrong or was doing right: that
person could answer me based on their own experience, or because they’d seen
the path clear for others as well; it meant they knew facts rather than hopes
for me. That’s why I looked for
different therapists, because as soon as one got to know me a bit better, I’d
felt judged and needed to find another impartial measuring device; same with
teachers or with family acquaintances who’d be in and out of our lives so
briefly that they’d be able – or so I thought – to remain impartial to my
situation.
The thing is, remember how I had my Christmas entry up for
such a brief time that I had to make an apology to those of you who’d read during
the brief hours it was up? I was crying
my heart out while I was writing that entry, and when I took it down I was
crying just as much; I’d named it Christmas Blues, and it made me feel like I
was going back on a promise I’d made a lifetime ago – both to my family and to
the readers of this blog! Well, I’m
always thankful for all the blessings I’ve had throughout my life, and that’ll forever
include my family’s support, which is why when I wrote about crying on
Christmas, at a time when the family was undergoing a brief but difficult
health situation, I felt like I was stabbing all of them in the back… But that feeling only makes the point I was
trying to make all the more poignant!
Listen, depression is like that, and not because I’m off my
meds does it mean that I’ll be a ray of sunshine forever and ever all my life –
in fact, the raindrops look so beautiful on the skylights this morning, that
I’m siding with rain once again as a metaphor for joy and purity of heart and soul, but that’s a whole different matter.
Back to the point, the worst thing about
depression, for me, is that feeling of being completely unable to explain to people
what is it exactly that’s making you cry, even if you can use a word of two to
describe that reason… For me, that word
has always been Loneliness. It’s always what I’ve been most fearful of,
and it’s been a constant in my life, but trying to explain that to the family
is very ugly business indeed! How do you
even begin to say it, if you’re in a houseful of cousins you can play with and
aunts and uncles you can share wisdom and funny stories with? I’ve ALWAYS said that every Christmas with
the family has been a blessed time, and trust you me, admitting this next bit
does not change that at all, particularly all the love and gratitude I feel for
my kin; still, I’ve cried myself to sleep every Christmas and most New Year’s
Eves since 1999 (until 2012, because 2013 was the year the Doctor saved me on
Christmas in London – pun intended). It’s been complicated businesses, because most
of those years I’ve shared a room either with my sister or a cousin or my
parents, so it gets a bit difficult to sniffle away while someone is in a bed
close-by and you’re trying not to wake them up.
They have, sometimes, and they’ve asked me what’s wrong, to which I
mostly reply that it’s nothing and tell them that it’s okay, that they should go
back to sleep. That’s not me being a
martyr or anything, that’s me trying to be objective and practical. Whether it’s worked or not, that’s another
story.
Nevertheless, the most important thing I needed to convey
then and even now, is that it was never them that made me cry, it was never
Christmas or the festivities in themselves… it was me spending Christmas alone,
it was the New Year coming around the corner when my whole Old Year had gone by
without any great successes in any area – romantic, creative, job-wise. How do you tell those people you love with
all your heart and soul that it’s not them that’s making you suffer, that it’s
not your cousins, or your aunts, or that row you had with your mum before
getting in the car to drive seven or eight hours to spend Christmas with the
family? It’s not them, it’s you. But how do you even say that, when you know
that it’s not even love you lack? To
begin with that’s a full house of family we’ve been talking about, then there
is all the privilege and shelter you’ve had in your life, with good education,
good food, constant travelling and an infinite source or culture and knowledge within
reach at all times; then there is those friends you have at the time, whether
they last or not that’s another story (and whether they show up at your
birthday or not that’s yet another
story!); then you have your cats and your books and your dolls that perhaps you
haven’t touched in years but you know that they’ll be there in case you need to
re-enact your stories while you edit them again… So you don’t have a boyfriend like everyone
else does, big deal! So you haven’t been published or won any of the contests
you’ve applied to, big deal! Wait, so
you did have a boyfriend once, but he broke up with you twice in a row on
Christmas Eve through a text message because he was cheating on you with his
ex, surely that’s no big deal either!
Wait a bit again, you’re exaggerating, cos you did have a boyfriend
during Christmas once, before the other creep, remember? The really depressive one that was so bad for
you that tipped you over the edge as you were crossing into your twenties? That one, poor soul, I hope he’s recovered as
I have, cos there is no way I could wish anyone to stay in that unhealthy
emotional state at all! Bless him and let
him succeed in his path… The other
one? Yeah, sure, bless him too, but can
I use my powers and ask Bridget to put a few more trials in his path…? …Um, no…?
Oh, well, it was worth asking anyway…
So, there you go, I ended up opening up about Christmas
Blues again… whatever happened to make the subject come out in this way, I have
no idea, but one thing is for sure: if I can turn my life around and be able to
see things in a new light, anybody can… and I am one of those people I used to
hate a decade ago, those that go “Cheer up, everything will be all right”, but
I don’t care! In fact, I love being one
of those people… Whatever I needed to
get rid of, so many old fears and aches, so that I can open my arms wide and
receive everything I’m working so hard for, has been worth the turbulence –
I’ve even used turbulence now as a way of shaking fears off! I wrote about that for Clarity Found.
One more thing I can say for sure, or repeat, rather, is
that being in a relationship where you don’t just feel happier than you’ve ever
felt before, but also healthier and more motivated, can only mean good things
have arrived. So, if I cried this past
Christmas because I missed the one man I’m proud to always call the love of my
life, it wasn’t me falling back into depression, but me being angry at the
Universe because I’d finally found someone who I’m that happy and healthy with
and I was still thrown into solitude at Christmas… and don’t get me started on
what St Valentine’s day used to mean to me!!
Basically, you could read this same entry placing Valentine’s everywhere
it says Christmas, and, save the thing about sharing a room with family members,
it’d just read the same! I could have
just written an entry on Valentine’s Day’s Blues and been done with it, but
fortunately I’m with my man now, so I don’t want to blemish our healthy
relationship by naming today’s entry that way, hehe… And on a blessed Friday 13, nonetheless! It was just a man-less Christmas that brought
past dark emotions up during December; that’s the irony of my life for you, and
I’ve accepted it so far, but it still breaks me a little once in a while. It’s only a matter of accepting that even the
happily ever after will have its moments of ups and downs… He told me the other
day that we’re not living a happy ending, but instead we’re starting a happy
begging; that’s the best way to start a life with someone. One of this days I’ll talk about books or
movies or worldly events again, I promise… for now I’m basking in the delicious
boost Glastonbury proved in my healing, so I’ll keep sharing my enjoyment with
the town, with Stephen, and with my path…
…and remember that If I bring in sorrows from the past it’ll
be to release them and bring in words of wisdom for other travellers instead…
I leave you all with those happy thoughts, and hope you’ll
have a delightful Valentine’s weekend ahead of you!
…Even those of you who’re without a Valentine, cost that
special someone is somewhere in your path – and also, it can be nicely
celebrated between friends, anyhow ;)
Joy, love and brightest blessings,
Sandra Tena ≈ Writer, dreamer, healer, lover
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