… sigh… Serendipity,
they call it… I followed my intuition in
my decision-making, and though I’ve said and done some pretty stupid things,
because either I’ve been too headstrong and not wanted to listen to myself, or
I’ve just been blinded by fool’s gold (which ultimately heals us, too, btw, the
stone), I could not be any more grateful for those mistakes! And this is not a new way of thinking for me,
incidentally, because just this morning I was surprised by a song in my
computer… well, not surprised by the song itself, because I’ve had it in there
for fifteen years or so, but by what it meant fifteen years ago: Graziemille,
by 883, a song that I used to thank my parents with when they gave me the
opportunity to do a year abroad in Italy.
I don’t know how much I’ve talked about those times, so I’ll make a
brief recount of it, starting with what 883 meant for me in high school – not
the band but the actual number: I had a friend who fancied the same guy that I
did, but she was a couple years below us and I only spent time with her on
recesses and afternoons; the guy we both fancied was my best friend back then,
and she’d say that I didn’t deserve him because I spent so much time with him
doing homework or watching basketball but never did anything romantic, so that
others should have a chance with him instead (as if it was me who was holding
him back from it… and he was *still* not the first reason for my being so
incompetent with men, yikes!). Anyway,
she had a friend in her class and they called each other “8” (I was never sure
why), and they’d say that I was “3”, because I was only with them half the
time, so we were the “883”…
So, when I got to Italy, and I heard that song by 883, I was
captivated – For every day, every
instant, every little moment, that I’m living today, thank you so very much! Those lyrics, even though the rest of the
song did not apply to me, got to the very core of my heart. Remember, this is Italy, where I was still
friendless, socially awkward, struggling with not one but two new languages,
living with a family that had horrible problems with me because I wanted to
shower every day (and because I opted not to learn German because of how
painful the grammar was becoming for me), and pegged as dangerously depressed
–enough to be sent back to my parents before the program was over. This is also the time when I was shunned by
not only one but three school groups – all those that I took different classes
with, because I managed to get into a couple more Art classes and a Religion
course instead of Maths, Physics and Chemistry, given that I’d already
graduated from high school… Granted, I
did keep a bit of correspondence with some of the few friends I made, but
things grew a bit cold between all of us after some years… And what's more, this is also the year when I
fell in love for the first time and got burnt quite badly (the first “mature”
love, I suppose, because even I know that whatever I felt at age 12 was pretty
different, or anything else I’d felt for
friends before, for that matter). Why
would a person in that situation wish to be thankful for ongi giorno, ogni instante, ongi attimo, che sto vivendo? Every little moment? Really?
Well, the answer to that is: Yes, really.
Yes, yes yes yes! I
know it deep in my heart that back then I was feeling the gratitude with the
same strength as I’ve manifested over the past few months. See, in my life I’ve been told so many times
that “I have to be grateful for the good things I already have”, and I never
quite understood why people never saw that I already was! I think that’s why over the past few months I
went into full emotional disclosure, and that’s perhaps why I believe that this
might help someone as well… Some people
might need to be listened at closer to hear the thanks they’re giving…
Anyway, I need to go
back to serendipity: I had a moment the other night where I saw myself as
someone completely different from who I am now; not worse, not better, just
different… The me that managed to get a job in London the first time around,
that lived in Angel (not so much because of Angel Islington anymore, but rather
because that’s where the young people are living “the life”); I was the one dating
a suit and drinking wine over dinner with a neck covered in pearls and dainty
roses and a deep and loud laughter because she’s bored and needs to seem as if
she wasn’t – wait, I made it sound worse than I intended to… I mean, I
specifically said “not worse, not better, just different” because I really mean
no disrespect to anybody who actually lives that way!)… To everyone their own, I always say, and
truth be told, I probably wouldn’t even notice that I was unhappy unless I’d
seen anything of what conforms my life now, and something stirred inside of me
to let me know that I’d strayed… No matter,
I guess if people are happy living that way then there is nothing wrong with
that! Yet, forgetting about Angel
Islington because too many people rejected them for being nerds, that’s where
life gets sad, because that’s when the person lets go of their essence. I cannot imagine my life any different than
what it is now, especially when two years after my first encounter with Angel
Islington I come to find him with Peter Capaldi’s face on my very own living
room in the flat I share with Stephen in Glastonbury!
I’m sorry, but too many people are going on and on online
about how to do your makeup this way or that, or how to create a perfect hair
thing, or about exercise or how to be cool and whatnot… And there is nothing wrong with wanting to
look better or with wanting to know about the things that most people say are
cool, but when we lose ourselves into that “in” crowd instead of letting our
true selves shine through, that’s where it gets sad (again)… But let’s not all become nerdy now,
okay? That’s not what I’m saying… Now that being nerdy is cool, so many people
want in just because that’s what everybody is doing, yet one thing is being
accepting of everyone and another is trying to become like everyone! Although, kudos for those closeted geeks that
are finally coming out! And also, one
thing is to want to learn about those things that everybody is talking about to
see if we like them (and if things are likable, then go for them), but another
is to try to seem like you like something even though you don’t just so you
feel accepted… Another sigh… I’ve done both, the second one is very
energy-consuming, indeed…
I will go now, before I start myself in yet another subject… See you next week and keep on the lookout for
my literary news as well – that “Sliding Doors” type of mental-episode thing is
becoming its own story as well!
Cheers!
Sandra Tena ≈ Writer, dreamer, seeker, lover
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