Swimsuits and lingerie - for mental health and more!

A couple of weeks ago, my gorgeous and always supportive Stephen and I mentioned that I'd done a lingerie and swimwear photoshoot for charity, raising funds for Mental Health Awareness and Chestnut Appeal (for prostate cancer). Well, this is the second phase! I'm in a competition with over 300 girls to be in a calendar - UK Calendar Girls - which itself raises funds for different charities each year. The way the fundraiser goes is that people vote through their phones and 15% of the cost goes towards the charities (the rest to cover admin costs and to keep the event running), and the finalists do a series of fundraisers at the end of the competition.
I particularly love that one of the charities being looked after this year is Mental Health Awareness, as I have dealt with Mental Health issues my whole life and I was also given the chance to do some research for a mental health clinic at some point in my life. As someone who's had paranoia, dysmorphia, depression and crippling anxiety for most of my life (sometimes even all at once), to raise awareness about mental health is something I consider highly important. After two miscarriages in my early twenties (while already carrying the horrible side  effects of PCOS, as well as heavy - although life-saving - psychiatric treatment), my metabolism was never the same. The collagen disappeared from my body, my breasts and my knees getting the worst of it, and doing the simplest of crunches would set off an episode of contractions that would render me useless... But I've always been a very active person! From the long hikes me and my cousins would take over childhood camping trips to long hours of dedicated workout where eventually I would experience serious burnout because of how unstable my metabolism was, to this day when activity for me is a must! I've always had healthy eating habits, too, with lots of fruit and veg and lots of water, balancing my carbs and protein, etc... However, as many people in my life are aware of, one of the things I suffered constantly in my life in Mexico was criticism over my looks (I have too many curves and wear too little makeup, apparently), so one of the things I was set on for this competition was to not have anything airbrushed, as I genuinely believe that we need to stop telling women (and men, for that matter!) that that we are imperfect - we all have this or that or the other that we're always going to want to change, enhance or eliminate completely, but that doesn't make us imperfect or ugly! Sure, hit the gym, eat better, whatever you want or need to do, but only because that's good for you, not because if you don't do it then you're "not perfect". Same with the makeup - if you're someone who expresses stuff through makeup because of the colours and shades and that gives you an outlet, hooray, carry on! But please stop believing that the only way to be beautiful is to contour and plaster your face away...
So, yeah, I requested for none of my pictures to be airbrushed because I genuinely believe that expresses better my commitment to Mental Health Awareness, and to helping people see themselves as they truly are and experience the beauty of themselves as they are. The competition was open to women of all shapes and sizes, ages 18 - 45. At 37 I am already considered a "mature" model in the industry, thus having only started two years ago means my chances of really getting in are pretty low. As you can see I'm putting my best foot forward, though! I was pleasantly surprised to see that most ladies in the competition had either focused on getting their bodies ready for the photoshoot and thus not required airbrushing, or simply decided to show their scars and weight "issues" in the very same way I did and felt proud of their own strength and resilience!
Now, I am a model, an actress and a writer, all of it self-made, and all of it ties into the same story, which I strive to tell as I feel others might benefit from my story, so I shall keep releasing bits and chapters as I go along! In the meantime, please vote for me if you wish to help me support these two charities, and of course if you want to support me in my modelling career.
Before I go just to say that I also love that the Chestnut Appeal is also being supported, as men often get sidelined when it comes to cancer awareness!
Oh, and in case anyone was wondering, no, I don't intend to stop being a life model! I love doing that for a living and I wish to continue as long as I can! I just want to do all different types of modelling, is all!

As always wishing all my dear readers the best,
Sandra Cole ~ Actress, Model, Writer, Incorrigible Optimist

Photo by Andy Owen

MUA in all pictures Lydia Grimshaw

The right to BE

I defend my right to express my femininity. I've earned my freedom after all my struggle.

I defend the right of any woman, cis and trans, to express their femininity. It's not a competition.

I defend the right of any man to express their femininity. It should never be a cause for shame.

I defend the right of my husband to express his masculinity. He has earned his freedom after his own struggle, too.

I defend the right of any man, cis and trans, to express their masculinity. It's not a competition.

I defend the right of any woman to express their masculinity. It should never be a cause for fear.

I defend the right for anyone who wishes to express both, one at a time or at the same time. It's not confusion, get off their back.

I defend the right for anyone to not express either, because who are we to tell them that they have to adhere to either one?

I defend the right of attraction to one, the other, both or all. It's all in the eye of the beholder, and it's all in what the heart and body wants.

I defend the right of feeling no specific attraction, as who's to say that we should all feel the same way?

I defend the right of exploring all the paths, of discovering who one really is, of changing bodies accordingly, of changing one's mind if it needs be, of respecting each other in all these decisions, and more importantly:

I defend the right to simply BE.

Sandra Cole ~ Actress, Model, Writer, Esoteric Practitioner

Picture from our original play "The Fool's Journey - a Trip through the Tarot" (His & Hers Theatre Company). My husband Stephen as the Fool and myself as the World - traditionally portrayed as Male and Female respectively, but often also cards of gender fluidity depending on the deck used. The Fool may represent Androgyny and the World can be the Hermaphrodite figure of Alchemy, both in the constant motion of beginning and end, learning, becoming, and evolution in all aspects. In short, the constant flow of life.

The picture was taken by our friend and teacher Mani Navasothy.

"Paganism 101"

I've recently witnessed someone use "Paganism 101" to justify their sexism, bigotry and transphobia ...

I think they haven't actually fully realised that Paganism is a world-wide thing, as in *every country in the world* has a Pagan background, and the history of humanity goes back to at least 50,000 years, as communities evolved by learning from Nature, observing, exploring and experimenting with the elements around them and the interrelations between themselves, plants, animals and the seasons... Also interacting, with other communities, sometimes leading to growth, sometimes to destruction... But always, always understanding more about themselves and the world around them through that process of evolution... That is where Paganism comes from and that's why so many people choose it as their path...

Fighting over who's right in how a ritual is done, or how a particular God or Goddess is expressed is completely redundant, as even if that's how it was done back then for the specific tribe's original reason, the context of that belief has changed completely, and even though as a witch I do believe that some things require very specific elements or combinations (Moon cycle, herbs, use of Archetypal energies or symbols, even manifestation through words), we need to remember that so much of our knowledge of the world comes from the scientific discoveries that those first shamans, healers, hedgewitches, etc. of old began to explore and document to begin with... Back when they began they had no real knowledge of atoms or bacteria or chromosomes. Yes, we owe it to them to have given us the privilege and possibility to explore our own natural cycles, out Femininity and our Masculinity, the forces that interact around us to help us understand the physical world, etc... But if any of that is going to blind us to science, then what's the point!

To begin with, in all the different spiritual paths of humanity that are considered Pagan there has been an understanding of the Masculine and the Feminine within each and every one of us, and quite a lot of the tribes formally acknowledged that there were individuals that did not fit into man or woman kind of category. There is a natural flow between Masculine and Feminine, and the biological aspects of human reproduction have to do with specific organs and their attributes, but not necessarily with Femininity and Masculinity as constructs. There's so much that so many of us still need to learn and understand about how the body works, but using that lack of understanding to justify sexist and transphobic views in the name of Paganism is not okay...

Fortunately, I live in a community where more and more people are understanding these subjects, and as both my husband and a friend who is also a former May King pointed out, along with many friends of every gender and different traditions, the embodiment of the Masculine and Feminine are the magical thing in itself, regardless of who is embodying what. In general terms, Glastonbury is very inclusive and our celebrations all year-round tend to be open and welcoming - and people call out those who aren't. For the Beltane Celebrations specifically we have a beautiful motto that goes "Owned by none and enjoyed by all". And that, my friends, is Paganism 101.

Paganism aside, I genuinely feel like all of these altercations come from a general fear of sexuality, and that without that there wouldn't even be a discussion about who is what and why... I have attempted to write an entry about that, but was attacked just at the mere mention of it a while back. I feel, going back to the original subject, that a fear of sexuality does not fit in Paganism, as it goes well against everything that Paganism stands, and has always stood, for. By understanding what sexuality really is, and seeing it as normal, I feel, much of today's gender issues could be resolved.

I have already written an entry regarding Femeninity, and I will probably write another one on the matter at some point soon, and also one on Masculinity. It goes without saying  that trans women and trans men will be included, too.

This is a picture from a statue my husband and I have in our lounge, by the way, and yes, we both feel proud of being each other's ideal of the Masculine and Feminine, but we don't condone other people telling others who or what they're supposed to be.

Joyful path to all you dear readers, and see you next time!

Sandra Cole ~ Actress, Model, Writer, Witch.

Pantomime Days!

Yes, Pantomime days - crazy, exhilarating, exhausting, sometimes incomprehensible, and always motivating!

Pantomime days, and not just any Pantomime, either, but Glastonbury Pantomime!

Ok, let's start at the beginning, but not the beginning of Pantomimes, because that would be insanely long to write, and not even at the beginning of Glastonbury Pantomime, because that would also take way too long to write, as it was established in 1986! No, let's start at my beginning, instead, as that's the one subject I have complete jurisdiction over, and whatever my experience has been can be judged as exactly that - my experience.

Well, to begin with, I'm sure  you can clearly see that, yep it's been that long since Glastonbury has been running the traditional Pantomime, but even though I've been living in Britain for over 6 years now, I had never actually seen a Pantomime at all! Don't get me wrong, I had not been avoiding them, it's just that none had really come my way at a convenient time, so the first time I saw one on the telly was an Alice in Wonderland Panto made for CBeebies, which my husband Stephen showed me during rehearsals for the Scottish Play in 2017, while we were also preparing to appear in Maxine Ridout-Prime's "Let there be Light: the Bible in a Flash". I would be playing Jenny Sis, a children's TV presenter for Creation Time, and would sing all about God the Builder and how he created the world, so Stephen though I would get inspiration from the Alice in Wonderland Panto.

I played Jenny Sis literally two days after playing Lady M and one of the witches, by the way, in case anyone is wondering about my range! I literally went from "Out, damn spot!" to "Creation Time!!" in two days flat and without missing a beat!

Well, who would have imagined that two weeks later I'd be cast as Prince Charming in Shadow of the Tor Ltd's Panto! That's right, first time acting in a Pantomime and I was Principal Boy. I'm sure proud of that, and my experience was truly blessed. Everyone in the cast and crew was extremely talented and for the most part utterly professional - and even the individuals who had not done anything theatrical in their life before shone in their performances. "Rapunzel and the Dissolution", it was called, written and directed by Francis Oliver, and I was in my element both with his writing and my character in it! It was also the first time I performed for several nights in a row - The Scottish Play had been on for two nighs, and so was Don Juan Tenorio many years ago, and I had already experienced touring back in Mexico, with what the Mexican version of a Pantomime is, I guess, a Pastorela in which I portrayed 4 of the Seven Deadly Sins, yet this was the first time I was in on it for a long stretch of performances in a row... And I loved it! It proved that it was definitely what I wanted to do with the rest of my life!

Shadow of the Tor was backed by The Glastonbury Town Players, the community-based organisation which held the Pantomime for many decades, and some of their still active members even shared the stage with us. It was a beautiful merger, and the Town Players are also backing Shadow this year. Knowing that groups can contribute to the perpetuity of traditions by helping the newcomers carry on the past endeavours is a truly magnificent experience, and may it continue to flow gracefully and naturally.

So, what about this year's Panto, I hear you ask? Well, we're still in the middle of performance week, and so far it's been a blast? A highly challenging blast, but a blast nonetheless! Let me explain very quickly: half our cast and crew got horribly ill, including myself, both before and after opening night, but it's a real testament to how tight this group is that we all helped as best we could with the show. Written by Francis Oliver and Sophia Wood, and directed by Sophia Wood and Rhiannon Locke, "Hansel and Gretel" has already had many people around town talking about how good it is and who their favourite characters are, and there are still three performances to go!

Going back to what community means to me, the Panto is a perfect example of that, as the show itself benefits the Assembly Rooms greatly, a venue which is a huge asset in this town and everyone I know deeply loves, and a great deal of the profits go to Children's World, the same charity organisation which I modelled to raise funds for during the body painting event in January. The rest of the profits get put into the fund for next year's Panto and so this town keeps  this wonderful tradition running every year. If that's not uplifting and motivating, I don't know what is...

As what we do as His & Hers Theatre Company ties in very well with my community mindset, I will mention that Stephen and I toured our own one act Panto called Alice in a Winter Wonderland around Somerset care homes during December. To whomever turns their nose down at Pantomime for being a "lower form of entretaiment", I will say that they're seriously underestimating the healing properties of Panto! The laughter, the fantasy, the sillyness, can all have amazing effects on audience and cast and crew alike, and Panto scripts and productions are a lot more complicated than some people give them credit for.

As a final note, today is St Valentine's Day, and even though it was not a hugely important day for me before (it was actually quite depressing), it is now a hugely important day for us, as it marks the anniversary of when we finally were able to fly home together after the seppartion we had to endure because of Home Office "policies". What best way than to celebrate it on stage!

I go off now to get myself prepared to be the Cat once again tonight, and enjoy myself in this community for this community!

See you next time!

Sandra Cole ~ Actress, Model, Writer, Esoteric Practitioner

Downtrodden but Uplifted!

Happy, happy news! A couple of weeks ago we had the launch for The Downtrodden, a modern adaptation of Les Miserables, which focuses on the group of student insurrectionists by turning them into student activists at Bath University. The sheer amount of excitement over the launch of the pilot from fans all over the world, and the further support we have received since then speaks volumes both of the quality of the production and of the need for speaking up regarding so many subjects in today's world. It also says a lot about how relevant Victor Hugo's take on the June Revelion in Paris still is! This is something that Dorian Ravenscroft, the creator, co-writer and director of the web series, really wanted to showcase from its conception.

Now, as a member of the cast as well as an active member of Shadow of the Tor Ltd, the multimedia production company behind The Downtrodden, it would completely unfair and biased of me to review the series, but I can certainly write about my experience and let you watch it yourself to compare and contrast!

To begin with, Shadow of the Tor is a fairly new production company in Glastonbury, born out of the collaboration between Francis Oliver and Brad Crowley during the very first Samhain Wild Hunt organised by Glastonbury Dragons CIC, and fueled by a great number of talented individuals who came together to create and bring to life all kind of stories. Two years down the line, Dorian and his husband Alex brought The Downtrodden to the table, based on a story that has meant literally the world to them, and alongside their friend George Cook, Dorian wrote the pilot. Now, their story is one that only they can decide whether to tell or not, and how publicly if so, but the one thing I can say is that they found each other across the ocean after a lifetime of being misunderstood and boxed into identities neither of them wished for, which in turn led them to become equal rights activists and to join groups that would allow them the healthiest outlet for all their creative ideas.

As their story resembles mine and my husband's so incredibly much, both Stephen and I became close friends with the Ravenscrofts, and as Shadow of the Tor grew side by side with Stephen's and my own company, His & Hers Theatre Company, in a constant friendly environment of collaboration, my joy at being cast as Feuilly in Dorian's version of Les Mis has been one of the greatest honours of my life! Having shared the stage before with him and Alex for A Midsummer Night's Dream, where Dorian played Demetrius and Alex played Bottom (to my Titania), I already knew they were extremely talented and that playing their dream characters in The Downtrodden would be of the highest quality - as Enjolras and Grantaire respectively - but even I was blown away by their portrayals!

Other members of the cast include award-winning actress Lydia Stobie-Owen playing Cosette, and Ethan Hall playing Marius - who actually played Hermia and Lysander in our Dream! Rhiannon Locke plays Eponine; Joey Watson and Jaydon Marsden as Courfeyrac and Combeferre respectively make up the Triumvirate alongside Dorian; Xandy Waddington plays Bossuet and has also been the brilliant mind behind the music; Cléophée Young plays Musichetta; Kaiden Valmont plays Jehan Prouvaire; Paige Kelland was chosen to give life to Joly just as I was to Feuilly, as it makes perfect sense for most of the young revolutionaries to have been male back then, given that it was a student movement, but needless to say it makes more sense now for more women to be in such groups today; Jon Coyne, another Shadow of the Tor director, plays Montparnasse, and Brad himself plays Bahorel. Nick Hutton and Lysah Hughesman make cameos as Jean Valjean and Fantine, and there will be someone coming in as Javert, too, as well as a possible Gavroche (watch this space!).

It is, joyfully, quite an impressive cast! And all the crew is fantastic as well, most of whom we'll be collaborating with constantly! People with plenty of experience as well as newcomers, all from different nationalities, as well as diverse races, sexual orientations and gender identities. Shadow of the Tor Ltd prides itself for its ethos of inclusivity and equality, and The Downtrodden truly showcases that. I'm proud and deeply honoured to have been chosen for my part in this, as Dorian and George have touched on all the current subjects that are so important to me at a personal level, and being chosen to play Feuilly in particular, the "self-taught worker" as various descriptions define him, makes me feel like I have achieved a professional goal in itself!

I have such admiration and respect for this incredible group of people - some of whom Stephen and I are currently working with in the Panto, as Rhiannon is co-directing alongside Sophia Wood and Jon and Lysah are sharing the stage with us, and some of whom we'll be working with soon again, as Dorian, Alex, Lydia, Ethan and Nick will be reprising their roles for A Midsummer Night's Dream during Glastonbury Fringe in May! I can only say that everyone in this group deserves to shine and that I can't wait to see what the future holds for Shadow.

And in case there was ever a question about this, His & Hers Theatre Company will always share Shadow of the Tor's values of inclusivity and equality, and most of all, I will always proudly say that collaboration and lifting up those that truly deserve to shine is what I want my life to be about.
So then, watch, enjoy, and share away!

Love, peace and solidarity,
Sandra Cole ~ Actress, Model, Writer, Esoteric Practitioner.

*All pictures and gifs were taken from Instagram and Tumblr's The Downtrodden profiles and affiliated accounts. The first picture is from Dorian's birthday, hence the knife in his hand and the slice of cake in mine. That, or we are definitely planning a rebellion, I'll leave that to you to decide.

Follow me and see my portfolio here. Read my books here too!

Birthdays & Festivals

Last Saturday, January 12th, Glastonbury was host to what now has become another one of our most brilliant international festivals: the Body Art charity event for the benefit of Children's World. Thirty models from all over the UK stood in Glastonbury Town Hall since 9am while over thirty artists from all over the world transformed their bodies into Gods and Goddesses. Every single person shone during the creation period, and later they shone even more during a series of catwalks which made the event an extraordinary experience for everyone involved!

Last Saturday was also my birthday. I had been extremely disappointed last year for not being able to take part, and so being included this year made my birthday extraordinary! And doing it for charity even more so!

As a disclaimer, this is not a review of the event, but rather a retelling of my experience in it and  several emotions that came up, which I have to address for my own sake and perhaps of others as well. To stand there in the hall while I was being painted was impressive, I will say! To watch all the artists at work, creating some of the most beautiful renditions that I have ever seen in my life, was pure inspiration come alive! Watching Mel herself collaborate with Debbie Payne to make two beauties into completely different Goddesses: Bastet and Aphrodite, Morgan Pandolfino and Bonnie Stafford respectively, was breathtaking. Watching the power team of Abi Falkner and Star Falkner Neal create a powerful and nurturing Horned God (with probably the most beautiful painting of a stag that I've ever seen right on Star's chest) was incredibly grounding. Watching Kerrie Suzie Sudburry be transformed by Sian Eirwen Drew into a living Fire and then dance with her Luak Fire Tribe rings on the catwalk, was tantalising. Watching Eddy Whirl adorn his good friend Sam Smith the Blacksmith to become Thor (with a Sif heart on his bicep and all), as Sam carried his own hammer with pride and dignity, was utterly uplifting. Watching Linda Ravenscroft, our go-to Faery lady here in Glastonbury, transform one of her closest friends, the sweet and lovely Melanie Woodbury, into the Morrigan, was iconic. Watching Carrie Cunnington discover an entire galaxy on Louise Neale's back will feed me soothing dreams and healing for years to come!

The very talented Robyn, who painted me, is an experienced henna artist and face painter and I hope I'm right in believing that after this she'll also be sought after for body painting! She chose the Goddess Arianrhod - or rather, Arianrhod came to us as we sat and talked about ideas after the traditional blessing of the Wren during Yuletide here in Glastonbury. As I wish to close with my experience with embodying Arianrhod and what it meant to me, I'll talk over the other stuff first: the things that came up that I'm in need to express...

Now, I haven't heard a single negative thing about the event, or about any of the artists or models, but rather everyone has been constantly in full awe and support of the intricate beauty of all the creations. There was, however, a very strange comment on one of my new friends' threads when she shared her pictures of the event: "But what was it for? In the end, nothing but naked people strutting around in their underwear and covered in paint. Great confidence, though." I simply answered that it had been to raise funds for Children's World, but there was plenty more I still needed to answer, although I didn't quite know it at the time...

You see, I come from a country where taking part in an event such as this is highly criticized, even considered tacky and shameful... Not to say that people in Mexico don't appreciate body art at all, oh no! They appreciate it in the viral videos that we send each other on facebook and WhatsApp, they might even appreciate it greatly if it was brought by a company from the outside, with European, American, Japanese or Brazilian models, maybe even enough to take their families to it! But for someone from their midst to do it? Oh, no... No no no no no... No no no no no... And if it so happens that that someone from their midst who wants to do it looks like me? Ohhhh no... No no no no no no no no no no! No no no no no no no!

Or, maybe I'm exaggerating - maybe it's *not* everyone in Mexico that thinks like that. Maybe it's just the specific society that I was born and raised in. As much as I love my family and friends, and I always hurt so deeply for not being considered enough by them in so many ways, I have to admit that this time around it's so incredibly clear why I'm here and not there...

It's not so much whether I'm considered beautiful enough or not anymore - even though I was bullied throughout my life because of the way I look and I was constantly told I would never make it as a model or as an actress, and only a few people back in Mexico were ever supportive of my choices - family and friends which I've just referred to... What does any of this have to do with Children's World, I hear you ask? Well, the event, magnificently organized by Mel Broom and Stephen Duross, was open to beginners and veterans alike, which meant that first timers such as Robyn Jean, who painted me, would be showcasing her work next to fantasy art legends such as Terry English and John Mason, and that first time models, such as myself, would be sharing the catwalk with internationally renowned models such as Sofie Maceanruig and Sunnie Daze, and pretty much no one looked down on the beginners! To many people that might be a given, and even those mentioned here could be wondering why I'm even remarking on it - but I know for a fact that it's not like that all over the world, and that it needs to be said.

What's more, the director of Children's World was one of the amazing models, carrying off the artwork on her body with beauty and grace that had everyone in pure awe of her - Kristen Lindop, I applaud you! Not only was she *not* shamed by anyone and told off for taking her clothes off and being painted over in front of the whole town, but she was actually congratulated for it. She was actually told over and over again how impressed they were by her and how beautifully she carried off Ocean Love's artwork on her body. I can't imagine a single scenario in which that would have happened in Durango when I was growing up. Maybe things have changed since last I lived there, but unfortunately I have yet to see it.

So, when someone asked what this was for, that's why a huge part of the answer got stuck in my throat! So, yes, it was an event for charity and for the entertainment of the community (otherwise it wouldn't have been a sold out event!), but it might also be a huge eye-opener for those who live in different places of the world, considering how they view the arts, the human body, and the expression of both - let alone sexuality! That last one might be a subject for another day, but there is still something associated with that which needs to be addressed: the taboo subject of the beauty of the human body.

Yes, I said taboo. At this time and age we're all used to sayings like "body positivity" and "real women have curves", and even events like this are often marketed as for "no matter what size or shape", which, to begin with is very much all right for helping people feel more confident and to raise awareness in terms of physical and mental health, but I believe we need to look deeper into that. In certain communities this might mean that your courage in taking part in it only relies on how *you're not* model material and that strutting about next to those people who are *real* beauties is something that only someone who has that kind of courage can do. It's a really passive-aggressive way of telling someone they're not very worth finding attractive... Yet it doesn't mean the person isn't attractive, as most of what's considered attractive in societies of that kind is extremely corrupted by the media and social standards (which, as I mentioned above with the example of the body art viral videos, are double standards!).

Now, I have written a lot already on this blog about real beauty and natural beauty, and do not wish to go around in circles, but as I also mentioned before, I have experienced a great amount of bullying and emotional abuse because of the way I look, and it's important to me that this bit is also left clear in case someone is going through a similar issue: I grew up in Latin America, which literally means that if you're intending to become an actress or model, the first thing you're instructed to do is to go and get a lipo, lip fillers and a boob job. I'm not even kidding. The lip fillers might be unnecessary if you'd rather get hair extensions. You get extra points if you do both. And, oh yes, you need to wear approximately 20 layers of makeup by day and 35 by night, otherwise you won't catch anyone's attention. I might have exaggerated the amount of makeup layers by five or six... If you don't do any of those things, then you're not beautiful. It doesn't matter how you look naturally, as only makeup delivers beauty... And only fake breasts are considered beautiful and sexy, as natural large breasts are seen as a cause of shame for the bearer - something that must be covered at all costs and never ever be shown in any sort of revealing or seductive way! All right, all right, this might have already changed as well in the last 10 years or so, but I'm still receiving backlash for my breasts, so there are things about this subject that makes me wonder quite a lot...

Of course, anyone who gets surgery for any kind of medical reason is of course fully worthy of respect, such as a woman who's gone through reconstructive surgery due to cancer, or a trans woman for her transition, or any kind of facial or body reconstruction after an accident or illness, but the idea of "only through surgery and makeup you'll be able to make it in the industry" that Mexico (and most of Latin America) has is undoubtedly highly detrimental to people's mental, emotional and physical health. I shall keep addressing this subject accordingly in future entries.

But, there were also men in the event, I hear you say... Right, and you think they don't undergo their own complicated issues regarding their looks or the pressure to be a certain way? In the case of the extraordinary models I had the good luck of sharing the stage with, I was struck by how manly and gentle they were all at the same time, and how much presence they had in the room while being painted and then on the catwalk too. In any case and event, I am referring to the emotional and psychological abuse that any one of us might have gone through in our past, regardless of gender or age, for which the act of getting up onto that catwalk might have been a beautiful step in our healing path - and lo and behold, we've got one more reason for this event to exist!

Now, I am incredibly lucky to have an amazing husband who not only completely supports me but also constantly goes to great pains to help me get out of the vicious circle of horrid fear and paranoia I keep ending up in... I had 32 years noxious programming to get rid of even before I met him, but Stephen is always there at the ready, just like he was a week ago, front row and taking pictures of me as Arianrhod. He was there in the morning, carrying everything we needed, and then again to watch the process flow, and yet again at night to watch me dance around naked in front of our community and several hundred visitors. This gorgeous man knows I'm worth supporting, and once again, that's something I could not have found in Durango... This gorgeous man knows I'm full of art and full of fire and that if I don't shine outwardly I will quietly burn in my seat until there's nothing left of me. And he is not afraid to help me shine. He is proud to help me show to the world what I can give! And so we both shine together, as His & Hers Theatre Company or with any other company or group we're working with - although more on that later!

Back to the goodness the event brought to us participants, regardless of whether the models were at their full ease on the catwalk or were breaking a huge paradigm and facing their fears, everybody shone and dazzled the audience on the day! There was possibly no way it could have been a competition, as every single walking canvas there had so much to be greatly applauded for, including the MCs, who made sure the evening was fully appreciated by everyone. Just to give you an example of the nurturing nature of the event, Mel, Debbie, Jan Webster and Tracy Osborne ran around all day making sure everyone was being taken care of, even though they had their own brilliant models to paint - and they have carried on being incredibly supportive to all even after all's done and finished!

So, to return to the beauties of having spent my birthday giving my birthday suit a coat of paint, not only was being painted over with brushes and sponges an extremely therapeutic experience (thanks to Diana Malling and of course the lovely Robyn herself!), but also the experience of being gazed at approvingly first by the other artists and models and then by members of the public when the doors opened so everyone could see the process of creation, was ultimately life-affirming and so emotionally rewarding! The moment of stepping on to the stage in all my glory - naked, blue and glowing - was a moment I had been waiting for all my life. I'm there, once again, where it all started: at the moment when my soul decreed that my life would be about creativity and creation, about reaffirming myself and others, about bringing hope and joy to all who watch me be me, and maybe even inspire others to be themselves as well...

In the roles I take, as I have taken some before, I don't mind the darkness and pain; in fact, I thrive on them! I let my psyche work its way into the character so I can become her and we are one. I work out the things that I might have had to fight through in the past. The dark is fine with me, and so is the light. This time I was Arianrhod, the Lady of the Silver Wheel, a Welsh Goddess with a tragic story who lives in a castle in the stars: Caer Sidi, in the constellation of Corona Borealis. You can see the castle and constellation depicted on my back. Arianrhod is also a Moon Goddess, a messenger between the worlds, and her companion is the owl, so I decided to portray her as a flowing force, flirty and serene, joyful and resolute, with a touch of classic rock and a pinch of sea salt for effect.
And thus I close today, happy, contented and warm at the thought of what this community stands for, and what it strives for!

See you again next time,

Sandra Tena Cole ~ Actress, Model, Writer, Dreamer, Achiever.

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Simply Me

Several years ago, as part of my therapy, a psychologist asked me who I am… The answer came in the form of a poem, which,  over the next session, only made the therapist ask me to be more concise and to not overthink the matter, response that still makes me laugh… Now, I deeply believe that this poem answers the question beautifully, especially because the instruction was to not say I’m a writer because that’s my “profession”, or a woman because that’s my “gender”, or that I am “daughter of” someone, or that I’m “a dreamer”, or that “I like this or that”…  I added all of that and more, because forming these verses allowed me to express that I accept me as I am, and provided me with more healing than many months of therapy.

I had originally published it in this blog back in 2014, in its original Spanish form, but I translated it upon settling in Glastonbury. There is no real reason as to why I hadn’t published it, but today seems the perfect day for doing so, as it yesterday (Saturday January 12th) was my birthday, and I spent it modelling for a charity event for the benefit of Children’s World! At the end of the poem you’ll find a picture of me on the catwalk, embodying the Goddess Arianrhod by the aid of the extremely talented and lovely Robyn Jean. The photo was taken by my husband, actor and playwright Stephen Cole. Even nearly nine years old, the poem contains my heart in it. I hope you enjoy it.

Who am I?

After days and days of mulling over this question, these words started flowing uncontrollably last minute. (Monday 6^th July, 2010).

I am a singing voice,

I am illusion and hope.

I am thought, laughter and fun.

I am my breasts, my face and my hair,

                my hips, my arms and my legs.

I’m the sea and I’m the Sierra,

I’m the proud gaze from the mirror,

I am song, poem and novel,

I am light, I am shadow, and I’m the passing cloud.

I am dawn, twilight, and everything in-between.

I am talent, I am friend and I’m a teacher,

                though I don’t yet know what classes I impart.

I’m a bird, a cat, a doe in the serene forest of peace.

I am colour, I am love,

but I’m never, never pain or woe.

I am a girl, a woman, a Goddess,

                and will be old some day, ahead,

                yet I choose to keep my joy and youth.

I am daughter, sister,

                cousin, niece, granddaughter,

maybe future mother of a precious being,

wife (let’s hope) I shall be when I decide it so.

I’m the starry mantle that covers the Earth,

I’m the Moon, I’m Venus, I’m the Sun.

I’m finesse, tenderness and romance,

I’m the wind, the rain, the golden flame and the earth under my feet.

I’m my voice, my dreams and my own reason,

I’m a passionate kiss and the soft caress of my fingertips.

I am gold and I am silver,

I’m a diamond, a ruby and an emerald,

                I’m the healing chrystal and a thousand polished stones.

I’m a whisper, booming laughter,

                a drum, a violin and a guitar.

I’m contradiction, January and August,

                I’m health, freedom and understanding,

                and I’m also the shining light of my intuition.

No matter how many changes I undergo,

                I am always, always, always me.

I am, nothing more and nothing less,

This woman that I always am.

Sandra Tena Cole ~ Actress, Model, Writer, Esoteric Explorer, Dreamer, Weaver

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What You Will this Twelfth Night

Twelfth Night... The real Christmas for some, a night of fun and frolic presided over by the Lord of Misrule by others... January 5th for some, the 6th of this month for others... For those distracted souls that every once in a while we come across, sometimes January 12th, or even December 24th!

No...? No one else has ever been confused like this...? Wait... Was that just me then?
Oh rats...!

Fine, let me explain...!

For the longest time, I thought Twelfth Night was celebrated on my birthday, January 12th, and that it had nothing to do with Christmas, but that it celebrated, for some rare and obscure reason, the 12th night of the New Year! I took it upon myself to research what great symbolism the number 12 had, and oh, my, the phenomenal things I came across! It seems like every numerology practitioner out there has a different view of what numbers represent! Or at least they did, back in 1997 - I might do a proper entry about my interest in numerology further on, but for now I will focus on my teenage discoveries that led me to understand myself a bit better!

Well, let me also explain that in Mexico we don't celebrate Twelfth Night as such, but Epiphany rather. I'm not sufficiently versed in Catholic Mexican traditions to explain in what ways this is celebrated (yet from living in the UK for 6 years I can tell that it's not that different from the few bits I do know), but what it meant to me and my sister was chocolate, chocolate and more chocolate as a kid, and later on when I was a "grown up" a substantial amount of money to get myself some nice post-Christnas deals consisting of books, jewelry, movies, CDs, clothes, shoes and of course, chocolate.

Now, I was happy enough to know that for some, January 5th was the real night in which Jesus had been born; even at 10 or 11 years of age I understood that a Roman Emperor had changed the calendar, and then another one had changed it again, and that somewhere down the line another one had added his own name to it (making another one jealous and wanting his own name in it), and I reacted to that the very same way that I do now: I shrug my shoulders and acknowledge that the amount of days in the year are the same and that a lot of those dates are symbolic anyway, and that those that rely on the Sun or Moon, such as the Solstices and Equinoxes, as well as Easter, Ramadan and Chanukah are set by the Sun and the Moon each year anyway...  To me, there is no point in fighting over a date if December 25th means the same today as January 5th meant centuries ago, and all the symbolism is safeguarded by the old poems, legends and songs anyway.

I've already written my points of view of this before, so I'm getting back to Twelfth Night!

I was 11 years old when I first associated Twelfth Night with Christmas, as I heard a little ditty called The Twelve Days of Christmas at a neighborhood social - we were living at a University of Michigan campus flat at the time - and I was completely surprised to learn that it didn't have anything to do with my birthday after all! It had nothing to do with the New Year, but rather with the countdown to Christmas!

Now, that made cultural sense to me, because in Mexico people celebrate Christmas by holding a series of the famous (or infamous, depending on whether or not you like tamales) Posadas, which consist of mini Pastorelas (mini-pantomimes) telling the story of the trek the shepherds took to visit the newborn Baby Jesus, carols telling the story of Mary and Joseph seeking shelter, piñatas and mulled stuff. So of course to me that meant that it began on December 12th and carried on to the night in which Jesus was born! I carried on with that belief for another 5 years or so, which is one of the reasons that I started exploring numerology and what different numbers mean to me.

I was 16 at the time I learned about Twelfth Night being a play by Shakespeare (probably would have learned that way earlier if I had listened to my sister more carefully when talking about Shakespeare!), and I also learned about Viola and what it meant for her to crossdress. Around that time Mulan came out, and I began to see myself in a different way. I have already spoken a little bit about my sexual identity and the different issues that unravelled my personality in older entries, so I won't get into that just now, but I will say this: it was when I was 17, having started a path of spiritual growth, having been diagnosed with depression and being sidelined for many reasons (several already spoken of, most very much worth exploring in further entries), that I realised that my mind had always been ruled by the Lord of Misrule! That simple mistake about cultural symbolism and traditions, and the years of seeking understanding (unaided by ADD, taken off the path several times by a rough case of hyperimagination), got me to a place where I could fully understand who I was, and where I wanted to be... So, technically speaking, the Lord of Misrule guided me to a better understanding of myself!

Shakespeare's play is subtitled "What you will", which has such a beautiful psychological and spiritual connotation - traditionally, on Twelfth Night you could be whatever you wanted: fools became kings and kings were outed as fools; but also, lets remember that traditionally, the Fool or Court Jester was the only one who was allowed to speak the truth to the king, mostly about the king's shortcomings! The Fool is often known as the Wise Old Fool, and mistakes are often followed by learning and growth! Often, I say, although I will refrain to say how often...

And now for the extra twist: in the spiritual path I follow we have but one rule: An it harm none, do what you will! It is of course technically imposible to make sure that absolutely no one ever gets hurt from our actions, and I've had far too many discussions about this subject with people who express "Oh, but if you take your dream job someone else will end up whitout a job and so they will be hurt!" and such things...Oh, people...! I believe I wrote a very lengthy entry about this, Utopia, ages ago, but might enjoy exploring it further in the future! Anyhow, what the final words of the Wiccan Rede mean is that as long as you live a life where you're not actively trying to harm others with what you do, you should be free to do what you wish to - and considering that that is precisely what many of the great Masters have taught all throughout history, I think there might be some truth in those words! We don't need the cover of Twelfth Night anymore to be whatever we want to be: we can go for it and try our best, knowing that there's no reason for others to be harmed along the way...
I think there are enough clues hidden in this entry regarding everything I will be writing throughout the year, so I'll leave it here for now...
Now, unfortunately, due to the consequences of past incorrect decisions made by yours truly, I have not been able to start my year with posting my brand new entry on a Saturday as I'd actively planned... Wait, isn't Saturn a Lord of Misrule as well...? Ohhhh, now I get it...!

Have a blessed Twelfth Night, everyone,

Sandra Cole ~ Actress, Model, Writer, Dreamer!

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