I like my
head, do not get me wrong, and I love the voices that inhabit it! (Right now
the three loudest ones are my dear Thomas David Bloom, trying to make me focus
on Iar, Thalía gently reminding me that as long as she isn’t fully rounded then
I cannot move on, and the Doctor.
Yeah. I know he’s not mine, but
what the hell, I’ve embraced the character for Mani’s super-secret project and
now she’s talking really loudly in there too (have I enticed you enough about
this project with those few words? Doctor Who Imaginarium. Subscribe. Totally worth it. OK, enough advertising, I’m going back to the
post.)
So, as it
stands, I’m seeing London for the first time through the eyes of David, not
just Cassandra (Cassandra is always there in my head anyway, but she’s smart
enough to know when to let others carry the reins of my fingers cos in the end
it’s all about the way all the characters from each story blend into the story
itself, right? So they have to interact organically, that means I have to
listen to each one of them individually every once in a while…) (For those of
who need reminding, Cassandra is the character I created to escape my teenage
angst and then grew to be the heroine in my 5-book saga Pentacle, consisting of
Iar, Tuarth, Airt, Deas and Aethyr, the five elements in the Wiccan religion… it’s been ongoing for –oh Jesus, geez oh God-
21 years now. Have not been able to write the first book,
but working really hard on it! I have
finished, however, La Sombra Detrás (that you can get on Amazon Kindle… more
advertising, hooray!), Wideawake, which I finished last Old Year (that’s New Year’s
Eve in normal-person terms) and am currently editing, and Cuentos de la Azotea,
which I finished about two years ago and I’m almost done editing to upload on
Amazon Kindle in about seven weeks ago (that was the original dealine, lol)… but Pentacle is the origin of it all, it is
the reason I started writing in the first place, and I have way too much love
for it to give up on it just because I have so much trouble keeping the
timeline straight.)
OK, after
that brief writer’s bio, and for those of you who might be new to my way of
writing, the parenthesis within parenthesis in my paragraphs mean thoughts within
thoughts or digressions. The over-use of
… and sometimes …(…)… means that I have soooo much to say about something but
as of yet cannot find the words to express it, or simply that I want to leave
an emotion hanging so that you beautiful readers can get the full longing or
confusion or whatever it is that I have expressed with words…
And now
back to the post: I sort of wanted to
reintroduce myself, because every once in a while you sort of feel like you don’t
really know who you are or if you’re still in the right path, and it’s not so
much that I’m having doubts now, but more like I need to ground myself within
myself, if you all know what I mean… I
think I let myself go too much, trying to explain myself to the world, and I
think I went too far trying to describe who I am, which means that I lost focus
of who I really am not to the world but to myself… which are basically the same person, cos I
don’t want to be two-faced, but there is that little bit more inside of all of
us that makes the little click when we know that we’re fully who we want to be
both inside and outside, and I’m not getting that click… In fact, I feel that in my need to find
answers and to appear humble I fell into the “helpless” side instead. I noticed that singularity the other day when
I realized that I have always wanted to be considered as “very wise for her age”,
and instead I am the one that in many workshops is being told that I am so
young and still need to learn more and end up being offered insane amounts of
help and advice on how to love myself better and accept myself as I am. Note: I am of the belief that we’re always
learning, always, always, always; and that to stop learning is to stop evolving… So, when I say “wise for her age” does not
mean that I want to know all and I don’t need to learn anything more; it just means
“wise for her age”, simple as that.
Also, a few weeks back I said to a friend: “I finally am in a place
where I can say that I love myself the way I am and I really like everything
about me, give or take a few pounds (take rather than give)”, and she took it
that I meant that only a few weeks ago did I arrive to that moment when I
actually loved myself AND that I also had decided never to change anything
about myself ever again. How did she get
to that conclusion? No idea. When I asked her she said that it had only
been the way I’d said it. I think I’m beginning
to understand what she means, because the other day I was telling a friend that
I felt that a guy I saw on Tinder was too much of a party person for my taste
because of the amount of pictures he had surrounded by friends and drinks, and
she said that that only meant that he was a social guy and that I was being
judgmental. There were other
Tinder-related conversations like that, about how I could not judge how
attracted I could be to a guy by just their picture… But, isn’t that what Tinder is about? Seeing a person and judging, not the person
themselves, but if they’re attractive to you or not? Anyhow, the other guy did have about 8
pictures, all party style, and I am not a party person, so I had to swipe no,
right? So why does she say I’m
judgmental? It’s all in the way I say it… Finally learning!
This is
what I’ve realized: when I try to assume a non-too-brainy attitude so people
don’t think I’m looking down on them, I overuse the Uhm and the dazed look and
appear needy and frail, hence the “learn to love yourself” routine and/or the exasperation
from others who need to move quicker in life than I do (this applies both to
physical and metaphorical movement).
When I try to explain anything, ranging from one of my stories to
whatever scientific, literary or philosophical theory I think might apply in
the conversation, my eyebrows shoot up Hermione-style and right-then-and-there
I’m pegged as serious, so then people act surprised when I act out of character
(i.e. say something funny or get excited about something), or tell me that it’d
good that I’m finally loosening up (I have been described as too uptight). Oh, the Hermione thing, my sister says that I
like it, even though I complain a lot about being considered too serious… but
she’s right, I love it!! Even though she’s
not quite my character, that’s actually Tonks, but that eyebrow thing has been
mine for as long as I can remember, so when I saw it on-screen it was like,
baam! Love that character!
Um, tangent
there… so, I was saying… when I say that I like the way I am I seem
vain and presumptuous and even like I look down on others, and when I say I
need to change something about myself I get the whole learn to love yourself
speech all over again. When I say I
like the Universe to give me sings and show me the path, some people say that I
have to be more adult, more proactive and take the reins of my life; when I say
that I developed a program or schedule or timetable to work out a project then I’m
labeled as square and ultra-rigid (it sometimes comes to the surface the whole powerful-science-dudes
that my family are and that that’s why my brain is linear…). When I try to be funny, even though the
things I say are hilarious in my mind, I am just way over the top deadpan that
people a) think I’m serious and get distressed (like a few days ago when I said
I would get really horny if I saw a real working light saber), b) give me a
straight forward answer (like the other day when we were taking a Doctor Who
shot and I asked if I necessarily had to take out my Sonic Screwdriver or if my
lipstick could work for the show cos that was easier to take out, and Mani
said: “The screw driver, please, because that’s what people recognize as Doctor
Who”. I had to give him a hard time
about it to save face, but poor thing, it was my face’s fault, not his… aaaand, or c) just think I’m plain-old
stupid, like the time when I said “At least the sparkles looked pretty,” when a
chip of aluminum foil had gone in with the salsa we were heating up and instead
relaxing people with laughter I got the loooongest lecture about how dangerous
it was to put metals in microwaves. And
that’s the worst outcome, cos like that I’ve got way too many examples: about
how to shoot video, how to wash the dishes, how to use a vacuum, how fold
whatever, how to take a bus, how to use a key (yes, you read right: key, to a
door), how to read a map… shall I go on? Really, no wonder I tend to think I’m lesser
than others, everyone is always giving me lectures on the simplest things, and
it’s all my dead-pan’s fault! But, as
they say, once you know the key to a problem, then you can use it to change it!
(Or to open a door, if you know how to use it.)
Soooo, let’s
just say one final thing: the one that was going to be short and sweet two
pages ago (really people, if you know how descriptive I get when I start
writing, then why do you even let me near a computer?)… the key to showing my characters in all their
beautiful light and glory, is to show their vulnerability, and I have learned
this because it applies to me and to everyone else as well… not neediness or helpessness: vulnerability. The part of us that makes us go “This is who
I am and I like it, I like it cos even though I want to change (and I will
change) whatever thing here and there, who I am makes me human!”. And seriously, sometimes saying you love
yourself makes you really vulnerable, but it’s worth it. I have to say it here: the reason why I am so comfortable with
myself is because I love every single inch of me, even those I want to change,
inside and out; and those that I want to change are actually in the process of
change, so I’ve got no reason to be embarrassed (well, my tummy and my thighs,
but that just makes me a woman aside from “just” human, so I’m just striving to
change it…) (oh, and a bit of my arms, but, er…(…)…) (told you).
I almost
went into a tangent there. So, basically,
all I said above that people think of me, I am all that… well, except stupid… I
am in fact very smart, but I can be quite silly at times. Not funny silly, embarrassing silly. Uncomfortable. I lack people skills. I get frozen in decision-making or even
physical movement when I need to move/think fast… Awkward even, and I do want change that… it also happens when I feel like the other person
wants me to really sell them something, like an idea or where we’ll go for a
day trip or dinner or whatever… I blame
my face there as well: it does a little-lost-girl act that I can perfectly
understand why it annoys my sister to the end of time…
OK, now
THAT was a tangent…
Have to wrap
up now, somehow… well, like I said
before, this is to me like a kind of public therapy… and whatever I say I hope it goes around… this, like anything else I have or will ever
write, I hope that it helps anybody at any time needed, or else just brings a
smile to one’s face… I will break my own
rule today and post like this w/o clean up, cos as far as rants go, this was
the purest and whatever my fingers put on the keyboard it might be there to
open my eyes in a further reading, or anybody else the message might ever apply
to… I might to a quick orthography check
later on (and probably on all posts, now that this is relatively new…), but
that’s it…
Have sweet
dreams, a lovely evening, or a lovely day, depending on what side of the world
you’re in or what day and time you’re reading this…
Much love
and blessings to all!!
Cheers!
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