Well, World,
let me ask you a question, how about you stop TELLING US those wise words and
let us START SHOWING that we do believe in ourselves for once…
What do I
mean? Very simple… I will begin my answer with an anecdote:
about a year back I had been writing my news about my masters to my family and
friends, and even though sometimes I went through rough patches, I decided to
focus on the positive rather than complain about certain things that I knew
would only worry people and bring about a bunch of questions that I did not
have the energy or time to answer… We
all do that at certain points; it’s not about saying things to make others
happy, but about avoiding subjects that might stall your own progress by
focusing on the negative answers rather than using the law of attraction (hence
the need to be positive when we communicate).
So, the thing was, someone that I love very very dearly told me to stop
doing that; that it made me seem like I was trying to convince myself as well
as others that I was happy… and then
there is that thing about not letting the world know about your happinesses and
joys because envies rise way too easily…
have you heard any of that…?
I’ll add to
it what I’ve been told a lot lately: that I am being arrogant, cocky and
egotistical whenever I say that I know I deserve good things because I am a
pretty darn good woman… Now people are
telling me to be more humble, after about 25 years of giving me the same speech
as the ones on the first paragraph of this entry. I have said many times throughout these six
and a half years that the reason I was in the relationship that destroyed my
life was because I believed I was not worthy of a good man, so I stuck with the
bad one I had because I thought that otherwise I would be alone forever… I have also said, many, many times, that the
reason I got my life back was because one day it hit me that I did deserve
someone, not only better, but as awesome as I was, because I was quite awesome
even then! Yes, hiding away in a violent
relationship, overweight to the point of obesity, with acne problems that I’m
still trying to fix, even then, I was awesome because I had my personality and
hopes and dreams (and even a bit of hidden beauty), and I saw it and I ran for
dear life. Now, tell me folks, if that’s
not loving oneself, then what is it?
Thing is,
by then I had already done many of the workshops that gave me the tools to
fight my illness off, and I had been in therapy and medication for a while, so
I *know* all of that helped, but I also know that it wouldn’t have helped if I
hadn’t had the force of will to continue pushing through. Why am I saying all this? Because I am in that time of life when one
goes “Holy crap, I’ve been doing this for over half my life now!”, and that
“this” means healing. But (yet another
but) because society tells me it’s wrong to boast about my happiness with
myself and how far I’ve come and how for the past four-five years I have
actually become the person I wish to become and that those little things that I
don’t like about myself do not annoy me as much anymore because I am doing
something active to CHANGE that about myself, then I’m going to take a
different approach: I’m going to lower
my head and talk about all the things I am not enough of, because that’s what
we should do, right? In order not to raise envies and all that?
So, then,
because I’ve just mentioned the weight and meds thing I will star with that: I
am not sexy enough because I haven’t fully got rid of the medicine-induced
overweight. But I’m also not fat enough
to be considered even a “gordibuena” (oh, I just realized this entry should
have been written in Spanish… er, mental note to add it to the “at some point to
be translated” list! Lol). Oh, translation? “Fatty-but-hottie?” No idea, cos
“Curvy” just means something else, and that definitely I am, just not lean
enough to be sensual, gosh.
An easy one
now: I’m not geeky enough to be a geek cos I have no working understanding of
science or computers. But I’m also not feminine
or glamorous enough cos I’m obsessed with geeky Fandom things.Then the oh-so dreaded question that so so so so so so many people ask me here: where am I from? Well, I’m not Mexican enough to be Mexican, that was very plainly made known to me years and years back in school and the streets and nightclubs and basically anywhere in that country… Still, I was never American enough, either, cos I lived in Ann Arbor only two years, even though they were 100% central to my creativity going BOOM! I am certainly not Italian enough cos I never really got the hang of it, not after the few months I was there… and not British enough –get this- for the very same reasons I’m not Mexican enough… ha! Yep, that is the irony which holds my life together. (Er, the reasons are the ones in the nightclubs and streets a bit as well, so you might get the drift).
Ugh, you
win, I will talk about it… I don’t like to party, but that doesn’t mean I don’t
like to have fun… Fun means a different
thing to everyone! And just because I
don’t like to be in a place where the music is so loud that you can’t talk to
people or where there are half-naked women prancing around and stealing the
glances of every man that I could have been interested in, or that I really
really don’t like the feeling of alcohol in my body, does not mean that I do
not know how to have fun, or that I don’t know how to live. It means that I have always had fun in my
very own way, with my books and my fantastic stories during play-time in my
childhood and teens and twenties and still now…
To me, frank laughter is way more important than dancing all night, and
I fully accept that part of me… No, I’m fully PROUD of that part of me, and
suddenly it turns out that it’s not okay to say it?
If you look
at my list, I am every bit of those things I said I’ve been told I’m not enough
of… well, except fat now, yay, I’ve been losing inches like it’s 1999… wait,
no, wrong Pop Culture reference… Agh, my
mind is a slip’n’slide, if you don’t know that about me by now, you will never
ever know me… Ha! Nailed it!
Um, coming back to the matter at hand:
yes, of course I’m sexy, and I am very confident in my sexuality; just
because I don’t fit into size (Erm) does not mean I am not comfortable. Just because I don’t want to say the size
does not mean I am lying, it just means I have enough common sense not to let
the law of attraction get the wrong idea… yes, I still need to work on some
areas of my body, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love it, or that I have never
loved it… maybe it took me a while to accept the fat, but that never meant that
I’d stopped loving myself. Actually, I’m
curvy and I like it!
Then there
is the geeky thing… some people have told me recently that I am just saying
that I’m a geek because today is, like, cool to be a geek, you know? but that since
science does not fit in my head and electronics tend to stop working at my
touch, then I should not say I am a geek…
Excuse me, seventeen years of school-bullying say otherwise, AND it’s
the purple hair all over again… Me in
purple, pink, blue, sometimes all three colours in my hair, being stared at in
Durango, called names, criticized to the point of no return. And the day
Shakira comes out with her video in the purple WIG, people turn to me and go:
“Oh, you look so *modern*, so *in fashion*!”.
Now you see where I’m getting at?
And, no, a full nerd I never was (I think I’ve mentioned), because my
grades were never the best, although they were usually in the higher end of the
class spectrum, and I tended to be teacher’s pet high and low… So, how could I not embrace that part of
me? That’s the only part of me that I’ve
fully, truly loved and embraced during my whole life, even when I went through
the low-self-esteem that drove me otherwise…
And then
comes the other side of the coin, the one that makes me embarrassed sometimes
because there is simply no period of my life now when I don’t have one foot or
the other in my mouth… I keep saying the wrong thing at the wrong moment, and
though it usually sounds brilliantly funny in my head, people just stare at me
blankly or opt for ignoring me… Now, I
am a hell of a lot more glamorous than I’ve ever been in my life, but every
once in a while I get sooooo looked down by professional women, or actresses or
dancers, or all-in-ones… Gladly I have
learned to push that aside (it normally stays aside for a while, then comes
back in those times when one gets a touch of the blues or so, but puh-lease,
who doesn’t fall back on little insecurities now and then?). Truth is, I’ve come such a long way from the
girl who dressed like a boy in high school to the woman who is described as
trendy, flirty, sexy, stunning, and, yes, glamorous, by her friends now. And I’m proud of it!
Now you see
why I took the second approach? In
putting my head down I was able to tell it like it is once again in here… it’s
not about trying to convince anybody, and certainly not about playing the
victim! I don’t shed even a single tear
anymore for the many mistakes and big or small traumas that made me fall really
low at other moments in my life… and I
don’t shed them because I have been healing for over half my life for god and
the goddess’ sakes… I mean, what would
be the point of learning all of that stuff and going so far on the healing path
if we’re never allowed to say we’re okay, right? Everyone should start thinking like
this…! (Well, NLP says that we should
stop using the word “should”, but I think in this case we should use it!) (Wait,
what? Lol) (Think about it, if we all think that it’s okay to show people how
happy we are with whom we’re becoming, the world would be a more positive place
altogether… And I’m not talking about
flaunting or arrogance, because that implies that the person doing it is
looking down at the rest, and that is not the point! The point is that we should all be allowed to
feel peace and freedom with who we are, without fear of being judged or
criticized by others… And I know there
are soooo many people who already do that, including many many of you, lovely
readers, but what if we spread the word? Let’s just try it, and see what
happens…
Bye for now
and keep your amazing selves being amazing…
Wait,
what? That I cannot leave without saying
what…? Oh, that, yeah, no, I was not
forgetting, I was just avoiding it for the time being… The whole Mexican vs. British thing,
sigh. It’s so hard to find the words. I have them in my brain, but they’re
encrypted somehow… give me a week and I’ll get back to you on that… I just hope that by now it’s perfectly clear
that I love being both and that it was never a matter of disdain, right? I should have made myself clear on that by
now… I will expand next time. Promise!
Have you
all a lovely weekend!
Cheers!
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