And 2) Like
I admitted days ago on the past entry’s comment, I hurt some very dear friends
of mine by not being open and honest about a situation that I should have
spoken about; I lacked empathy, the very thing that I was priding myself in
having and wanting all to have. I have asked for their forgiveness, but I know
things will take time to heal… I
believe, however, that this is what makes me human, and if I have made
mistakes, just like all have, I can only hope that this will bring about a
learning experience for all involved… And
I can only hope as well that I will be forgiven sooner rather than later!
So, this
entry comes to be because I have been healing my femininity above all else! And people have sort of forgotten that *that*
was the part of me that was broken, not my integrity, not my professionalism,
not my creativity, not my ability to believe the best in people, not the
ability to wish for true love rather than someone to come and fill an empty
space, not even my choice to wish the best for all even if they hurt me! What was shattered, and note the use of past
tense here, what was shattered was my femininity, all due to a 6+ year draught,
where the only water I could take came sparingly and from men that go from tip
to tip of the expectrum, from the ones that would obviously just consider me an
one-night stand, to a person that would have raped me in my sleep had he had
the chance. I am not exaggerating, quite
sadly… for reassurance’s sake, he said this to me in a series of late night texts
after only two dates, so I was physically safe and also had enough sense to bat
him off and put him in his place… But consider: just the fact that I am not
with any of them proves that I am not desperate, and that I’m still intending
that what belongs in my life is true love. I know it takes a while to get to that
point, but that’s why I have decided to be with a man who would want the long
haul rather than continue in a path of random, meaningless dates, you
know? I think people should respect that
decision, because that’s as healthy as can be.
I think I
have already said enough about what I think femininity is, and how we should
all be allowed to wish for romance back without being judged, so I will add
this here to complement: Feminism (that’s right, with a capital F) is a
beautiful concept; it has never been an opposition to the gallantry and chivalry
of men… If anything, it should be complementary: how about if men open doors
for a woman not because she’s too weak to do it but because it’s romantic? How about the romantic dates come back because
it is more beautiful and fulfilling to learn about each other in a safe environment
rather than making it all about the sex? How about clothes come back not because we
should be ashamed of the human body but because it is also more beautiful and
fulfilling to discover each other’s physical secrets in a moment that should be
thrilling and exciting for both?
Yes, I am a
Feminist, and I am absolutely proud of my body, even if I wish to trim here and
there, like most humans do anyway; and I will keep on wearing clothes that bring
out my best features even if some men think that I am doing it only for their
benefit and try to take advantage of that, because I have become strong enough
that I can say Hell no, and move on.
What, just because I’ve got amazing legs and a lovely bosom does it mean
that I should not wear shorts or skirts or cleavage just to protect men from
having dirty thoughts about me or women to be jealous of me? That rapist wannabe even said that I was not
playing into my body as much as I should.
That’s plain sick, all of it. To
begin with, there is always going to be someone with a shorter skirt or bigger
breasts, or for the men probably someone taller or with better abs, I don’t
know… What, are they all hiding who they
are to protect the rest of dirty thoughts or jealousies? Nope! In fact, most people who look “socially” physically
good are parading around half naked anyway (and dirty thoughts and jealousies
will float around whether we cover up or not).
I don’t want to do that cos, like I said before, my stuff is for my man,
and I respect how other people think differently so I should be respected as
well, right? I am comfortably sexy-classy,
and extremely proud of it!
My view is also
that vulnerability and Feminism should play into each other in an organic way: if
we’re enjoying each other’s bodies, let’s do it with pure joy and respect, respect
in the sense that behind closed doors things can get as wild as one wants but
without fear of it showing up online! I
like how Emma Watson has defended Jennifer Lawrence about those pictures, and I
believe they are more than right: who are these people that think that just
because a woman wants to be adored and worshiped as a sexual goddess (cos, let’s
face it, we all do!) and agree to pictures or video (cos kinky does it for so
many!), does that mean that she wants to share it with the world? Now, I have very recently done my very own
naked-healing thing (and more on that to come later, cos it’s an experience
worthy of sharing, as far as healing goes), and I ended up showing more bits of
myself that I had ever intended to, but what came of it, the rush of freedom
and self-acceptance, no one can take that away from me, not after all the
jackasses that have made me feel less worthy with their words and actions…
Which
brings to mind, yes, I choose to believe the best in people, but if I find out
that I have been lied to, played with, like I said I won’t respond with wrath
because I refuse to play into negativity, but I will turn around and walk away
without ever looking back except to bring forth what I have learned and pass it
on. If anyone plays me because of my “vulnerability”,
they will get the surprise that I am far from weak… And that goes as much for a man that might
lie to me, as for people that might have a secret agenda of lies and deceit and
wish to “take advantage of a vulnerable me”, in order to hurt me and bring my
world crashing down. I take no
sides. I’m on my side. Unless it’s *my* man, then I will consider
him innocent until proven otherwise, but please remember that being a positive
person and a full-on dreamer does not make me stupid, and if I am choosing this
on account of my man, I must have a pretty darn good reason for it! Please note: healing path since the age of
14, not desperate so as not to have fallen for other men to fill any voids… In fact, no void at all! I was broken in my femininity, not
un-whole! I was always complete, and did
not need anybody to come be my “other half”; and I still am just that, no
matter how ranty or vulnerable I come out…
Yes, I hurt,
I am human… and all this blog has done for me is good things, because it has allowed
me to heal that hurt through intentionalizing, as well as to know myself far
better than I ever did before, whether I wanted to admit it or not… And this in no way means that I will never
hurt again cos I have “healed all”, it simply means that I know I am in the
right path, and that however dark the road seems at times, I will always know
now where to find the light. Yeah, I may
switch on the wrong light bulb every so often, but who doesn’t? It’s a matter of switching it off and finding
the correct one…
OK, way in
tangent here, but it obvious why it’s important, right? I have to let this be known, because a great
deal of what’s being said to me these last few days has been on account of the
vulnerability I have displayed here, and I do not want that at all in my life
now or ever… Not while making my British
reality by getting my Tier 1 when that comes along, not by finding it through
love if that’s the case… What I do
believe is that when we make decisions of this magnitude, the people who knows
us the best should bear in mind the whole path that has led us to that choosing,
not just the effervescence of feelings and meanings that have been displayed
over the course of a few weeks (and intertwined with healing as well!). I also know, and will work on that for as
long as needed, that my brief blindness and lack of empathy makes me feel ashamed
of myself for the pain I caused those I love, not because I think I was doing
anything wrong… I was doing something
right, but it looked wrong because the message had not gone through from my
brain to my mouth that I had to say something about it before I jumped into a
new abyss… cos let’s face it, I am a Fool
so I will always be taking that leap!
And just because I am not afraid of the leap or the landing anymore, does
not mean that I have become foolish or careless, but rather that I’ve had enough
time to experiment with jumping and landing so as to feel certain that if my
heart is telling me to jump, I will jump!
I might land on someone’s arms or I might land on my feet, either way, I’m
safe.
Having said
that, I have nothing but the deepest love and respect for the ones who are
watching out for me, and my eternal gratitude will lay with them, so nothing I’ve
said here means that I am not considering their words, but rather that I am choosing
to believe the best in myself and trust that my decision shall be made for the
best, whether it’ll mean eternal happiness or another heap of learning, or
maybe both!
I feel that
I am already saying more than I should, and for the first time ever I am not being
true on my policy of full honesty and disclosure, because the whole thing is
bigger than me this time (yes, even my ego allows me to see sometimes that the
world does not revolve around me). It might
blow over in a day, it might take years…
(please let it be a day!), but one thing I know for certain: the
Universe has answered me many questions, and I am more than ready to keep on
listening, to it and to the people I care about, and that includes friends,
family, and, why not, my man!
Cheers all,
hope you’re all receiving blessings in many shapes and ways… xoxo
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