OK, when I
say “I was told” it does not mean that I believe everything people say and walk
around with it as my banner (well, I do believe many things and people can play
the most awful jokes on me because I fall for funky things very, very easily,
lol, but we all know that’s not what I mean…).
I was told in many different ways, both with words and with actions, and
it both hurt and made me feel relieved at the same time. Thing is, because both my parents are from
different areas of the country, but moved to the city where I was born because
of their jobs, I always felt it was an hypocrisy to my genetics to say that I
was ONLY from Durango, you know? This happened because I learned to love
Chihuahua and Monterrey so much as to call them home since that very early age
when what you feel for family connections is a lot deeper than what you feel
for the city where you’re constantly bullied… And, really, I think that happens
even if the person is not being bullied!
Just to think of your grandparent’s houses, those magical places where
you play with your cousins to your heart’s content and learn and grow under the
sight of uncles and aunts that you love as closely as your own parents, well,
that makes anyone feel like those places are their home, right? Especially if you consider that in my case,
it was only with my cousins that my sister and I could go full-blown fantasy
without fear of being judged and criticized and bullied (in my case, I was
painfully bullied ever since kindergarden, times from which I am getting a ton
of scary memories back, now that I’ve opened so many doors of consciousness and
healing). We created stories with them,
and amazing worlds and games that have lasted us forever, and I could not be
happier than when I was in that little nook where I could invent, and then fly
off to read if I wished, without getting awkward names being called out to
me. That goes both for Chihuahua and
Monterrey; and the array of games we played were at all times either invented
or taken from one of our favourite cartoons or books, so everything always had
to do creation over those holidays spent with family.
Still,
there was that little nagging thing that always made me feel different from
everyone else, which was not merely the reading part, cos many other people did
that, including my sister and some of my cousins, and they never expressed
feeling as extremely an outsider as I did.
I know now that they all had their own path to thread, and many
hardships in between who they were and who they are today, but it was usually
me who people asked why I didn’t like the place where I “came from”. Sure, even when we talk about Chihuahua and
Monterrey there are some sensitive issues that make me go No, I cannot be
Northern, can I? Lol, I’m always Northern, wherever I live (perhaps that’s why
I’ve moved further South each time I move here in London?? To try to break from
that pattern? We’ll see, lol). The
sensitive issues, far from stereotypes, are the music and the food. Any kind of
Banda, Northern or the lines of music from Mexico makes me cringe to my very
core, much like a lot of Latin music from other places. Why? I would say that it’s a matter of personal
taste, but it’s not so easy… Cos I tried, especially when I thought it was
important to my friends and the man I was intending to marry (way way way way
back then!!). I stopped not only because
he was far from worth it (not only of my changing of habits, but the whole of
it), but also because there was no way I was finding any pleasure in it… I do love Salsa and some Cumbia, cos there’s
a lot of hip-swaying there, and a lot of classic Latin rock from bands that have
been around since the eighties. And let’s
not forget Julieta Venegas and Porter, cos come on, they rock big time! So,
just to be clear, it’s not that I’m against all kinds of Latin music, it’s just
those that fill the air in social gatherings; so, for someone who’s already
born socially awkward, there is the added hardship of being mostly quite
annoyed and bad-tempered in *those* situations, which tend to be the defining
“fitting in” moments in all youth’s lives.
That part,
that’s the way I see it, it’s not about the music or even the over-drinking done
by the people I wanted to hang out with, but the fact that my dislike for both
made me a non-match for almost anyone… That is until University, thank the God
and the Goddess for that, lol. But
still, I kept feeling very different, and my BA being International Relations
there was more than one person who’d say that I had a more British way of
thinking than anything else… Now I know a little bit better and I think we all
made a mistake on that account! Lol. I
love England just as much as I have done ever since I fell in love with it when
I was 12, but there are some aspects of that way of thinking that I now realize
us foreigners tend to get wrong, the biggest of the ones is the whole reading
on the tube thing… When I came over 4 years ago I felt like it had been a match
made in heaven, me walking into any train or bus and being permitted to settle
down with a wondrous book without provoking the sneers and annoying comments
from everyone around me… oh, the surprise I got a few weeks back in Bath, when
I read a section of a book written by a British woman and intended for us
outsiders to understand the British silent rules; and it said “People in this
country read in public transportation so as not to acknowledge anybody else in
the world around them. Not because
they’re brainy, but because they do not wish to talk”. That was me
paraphrasing, btw, but so many of my friends here have confirmed it, both
British and non-British… So, my whole
belief system came crashing down with a single article. The one place I thought I fit in, the
Piccadilly line or whatever, and now it turns out that it was all a lie…
But see,
the fact is that I enjoy reading, and I will do it in whichever country and
whichever circumstance I can, so yes, I will forget all about the “real”
British reason for all the reading in public transport and focus on my own one
to do it in the first place! Easy
breezy… And to be fair, there are so many people here that looooove reading as
much or even more than I do, so who cares if while on public transport the
reasons may be different from person to person, right? When it all comes down to it, I have more of
a literary life here than in any other place in the world, and I have come to
meet people who have read thousands of books and are my age, so of course I
wish to talk to them! To learn from them
and see what I’ve been missing… To get lost in sentences taken from pages yet
unknown!
Moreover,
in my need for creation, I need the right space to structure my own sentences,
and because I feed off the city centres of each city, of course I need one that
will deliver the right type of inspiration!
This is something that I spoke about in entries past: when you
absolutely love a place in the world, it does not mean you no longer love the
others, it only means that the energy of that place vibrates better within you…
The fact is, Mexico is beautiful in so many ways, with incredible architecture,
lovely streets and parks, amazing mountains and forests and rainforests. I always tell people to go there, because why
wouldn’t I? The colour and the culture
and yes, even the music is fascinating, and all people should enjoy it if they
will. Now, remember what I’ve said about
empirical beauty and all that? It comes
down to everything, really, and Mexican traditional music is empirically good,
and the fact that I have no taste for it does not in any way forbid me from
accepting that it rings good in many people’s ears for a structural reason, and
if I don’t like I just don’t play it, that’s it. Now, if we combine all the colours and the
smells and tastes of Mexico during a nice two-week holiday or something like
that, it’s most likely that anyone could get a heapload of inspiration from
that! But by living there, and this is
just me speaking from my own experience, my inspiration gets stalled, and I
have recently found out that it was not just the music or the heat, like I’d
thought all my life, but that it’s also got to do with noise pollution! In
Mexico, anywhere you go, there is always something sounding really really loud:
it could be because in every block there is a store or two with speakers
playing music or store comments at maximum volume; it could be that most of the
cars in the street go around with their sound systems in maximum volume; it
could be that so many people honk a lot; it could be that everybody drives a
bit too fast and there are motors and screeches all around; it could be that
when you get on a city bus, the driver is most likely to be playing really bad
music at maximum volume; it could be that the same thing happens in cabs; it
could be that when you travel from city to city there tends to be action or
comedy movies being played in maximum volume AND dubbed, so you also get the
Mexican neurosis that seem to be a major requirement that dubbing actors have
to have in order to work; it could also be that in city centres you get so many
street vendors all screaming at you to look at their stuff; or it could be that
everyone around seems to be talking and laughing at the highest volume possible
for human beings… What usually happens
when you combine all of these factors when I’m around, and add the heat and
altitude of some places, is that none of the voices in my head are properly
heard and I get confused and crabby…
None of the stories or chapters seem to come out right, and in the end
it takes me longer to write things than it ever does when I’m in England…
Now, I do
admit that I like the British architecture better than the Mexican one, but
that’s again just a matter of personal taste, not anything personal *against*
Mexico… nor has it ever been! And there
is also the weather factor, which, even here, is still too hot for me,
btw! No one believes me, but, oh boy did
I suffer at times during this summer!
Anyhu, I tend to walk dazed and confused here in London, but that’s a sign
that I am actually writing; when I’m dazed and confused, as opposed to confused
and crabby, it means that I got so deep into my chapters or characters or
whatever, that I flew off into my world, and it takes me hours to come back
down to Earth, hence the Sandra walking around London in such a state that
security guards rush up to me to ask if I need help, or, if I am deep in my
leisure reading, there’s Sandra most likely walking onto the wrong train… No biggie, I don’t actually have a problem
with it, and am actually quite at peace when it happens because that means that
I am satisfied with the work I’ve done over the day…
So,
architecture-wise, yes, I find the Fairy-tale look of Europe a lot more
appealing, especially English architecture, but be clear on the fact that I
also think Mexican architecture is brilliantly beautiful… Oh, food-wise, I brought it up and never
followed the subject: I generally love Mexican food, but cannot biologically handle
the amount of meat that gets eaten in that country, and social gatherings tend
to revolve around a barbeque of sorts or a meal at a meat-based restaurant… Oh, and the chilly, it’s not so much that I don’t
like it, but that I get so dizzy when I feel that amount of hotness in my
mouth, and since I’m already dizzy half the time anyway, I have no desire to
use external factors to carry it on. Well,
funny muffins were quite an experience, but that’s neither here nor there… Lol.
In any
other matter, it was never an issue of having to choose between the two
countries. Yes, if I have to chose where
to live I will say England, but that never meant that Mexico is not a
good-enough place for me to be in; yes, if I remain here there is no way my
family and friends will ever lose me, because I can visit them and they can visit
me; yes, even if I get my British citizenship, guess what, I get to have both
nationalities cos we’re allowed to do that now (mini wave, yay!); so, what’s
the big deal? Even a few months back I
kept hearing the remainder: Just so you see, Mexico has pretty things,
too… But it was never about that! I have always been and will always be proud
of the wonderful things that Mexico has to offer, be it the arts, culture,
history, food, architecture, you name it!
Thing is, I’m already made up of so many things from so many different
areas of life, so I don’t find it in any way wrong to accept that as much as I
embrace my Mexican side, I’m also happy to embrace whatever it is that makes me
British at soul… we’d already established in entries past that it’s not the
partying and drinking thing, so it must be the culture thing, right?
Oh, and
by-the-by, all I say here about the ways of life of different nationalities, I
say not because of stereotypes, but rather because it is what I see every
single day of my life in both countries: in the street, public transport,
public spaces, school, work areas and even homes of different people… Things that are not necessarily bad, just, as
I already established, not of my personal taste, and there is nothing wrong
with that…
Aaaand just
to make one last thing clear, I admit that there are many many other elements
that make this subject be what it is, but I only have so much space to write it
on… and maybe there will be more entries to come, but this is the bit that my
soul had to say for now ;)
Oh, but fyi, I've got freinds and family scattered all over the world and not all of them read as much as I do, but that doesn not mean I love them any less!! I am not *that* fixated!
Oh, but fyi, I've got freinds and family scattered all over the world and not all of them read as much as I do, but that doesn not mean I love them any less!! I am not *that* fixated!
Much love
to all and may your weekend be fun, in your own particular way of what fun is!
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